My Innocent Bystander
by VannHazel
Summary: Though the doctor in him tells him that he needs help, he doesn't want to drag anybody down with him. One man is smart enough to see the change, but can he pull JD out of his self-destructive state. JDA, suicidal-themes, extreme emotional pain.
1. I've Fallen, And I Can't Get Up

**I imagine that this fic takes place about 2 years after the end of season 7. Couples are canon except for Elliot being married to Sean. There is no slash. No main romances except for Turla and Selliot.**

**DISCLAIMER: Scrubs isn't mine. It's not mine. I don't own it. It's not mine. It's not mine.Not mine. Get it?**

He forced himself out of bed, though he would have liked nothing better then to lie there until he died of dehydration, or starvation, or a combination of both.

Nothing really seemed to be worth it anymore. He didn't see any of his actions doing him any good in the long run. He felt like he was just wasting time and waiting for eventual death.

JD put 99 of his energy into his career. 99 of what he had left went into Sacred Heart. He had nothing else to put energy into. So he drowned himself in seminars and textbooks and extra college courses, just so he would have some way to pass the time.

It wasn't like he enjoyed his job anymore. For JD, being a doctor was like driving Sasha in a hailstorm with no place to take shelter. He was being relentlessly pelted with all kinds of junk, unable to protect himself.

He could see himself headed down a road toward an inevitable breakdown, that would most likely end in his driving Sasha off of a cliff and falling to his death.

It's not like he had anything specifically important that was keeping him on earth. He had no ties, nothing to do, nothing to look forward to and nobody to share his life with.

Kim had moved to Alaska. Sammy was with her.

Carla and Turk were trying to have another baby and they had absolutely no time to noticed the changes that their close friend was going through. Not to mention that Carla had Turk on a very short leash, and the best friends were not allowed to do anything together.

Elliot was a newlywed who was so obsessed with doing everything right in her marriage, that she rarely even talked to JD.

And Dr. Cox? Well...

He was just himself.

Though none of his friends or collegues saw the differences, JD could see the signs in himself. He looked forward to nothing. He slept as long as he possibly could. He was fatigued, filled with dread all the time. A constant cloud hung over him, and he always felt like he was drowning. A sob constantly sat in the back of his throat, threatening to burst out at anytime.

He was a doctor, not a psychiatrist, but he could still make the unfortunate diagnosis.

Clincal depression. A sad, yet very real illness in the world today. And he was one of the unlucky 3 of American men who suffered from major depression.

When he'd finally caught on, it didn't surprise him a bit. Depression ran in his family. His dad had suffered it. His mom tried to hide her's by jumping into bed with every man she met. Dan had it so bad at one point that he let it run his life. He used to lay in bed half of the day and tried to disappear into oblivion. The feelings eventually had faded, but they were never really gone.

JD knew that it wouldn't go away. He knew that anti-depressants could make it worse, and that they would probably do more bad than good in the long run.

So, he decided to wade it out on his own. Maybe if he put up a really good front, nobody would notice, and one day, he'd wake up feeling better.

And as much as his 4 years of college, 4 years of med school and 9 years as a doctor told him that his plan was dangerous and ridiculous, JD didn't care.

He wasn't going to get help. He needed to do things on his own time, not follow the advice of some shrink who probably had no clue of how he was feeling.

JD was going to take it step by step.

And that included his first task of the day.

It was time to get into the shower.

He dragged his feet on the way there and hoped that the water was extra hot today. The burning sting of scalding liquid usually took his mind off of the intense dread that constantly lingered in his stomach.

Once in the bathroom of his tiny apartment, he turned the knob and stripped his clothes off. In the mirror, JD examined his body. It wasthe first move in what had become a daily ritual for him. Take off clothes, stare at nude body, pick out every imperfection, cry a little bit, roll eyes, repeat.

He did that until the steam from the shower fogged up his mirror. With clenched teeth, JD stepped quickly in the tub.

The unbearable burn quickly transformed into a numbing sting. It was pleasantly distracting and JD actually found himself feeling calm for the first time in awhile. He was generally jittery and anxious, but something about the shower brought him peace.

He remained undereath the stream until the water became cold and much less soothing. Jumping out quickly to avoid the shock of ice water of his flushed skin, JD tripped on a puddle and fell to the ground.

The crack that he heard as his bottom hit the tile was less than reassuring. As the pain shot from his lower back to his neck, JD couldn't help but roll his eyes.

Getting injured while nude was just his kind of luck.

**This idea started harassing me from the moment I wrote a song called Innocent Bystander. I'm really excited and I hope that people actually read this, cause I'm going to work really hard. **

**Enjoy, please!**

**HAZEL**


	2. Who's There?

**Disclaimer: I don't own People magazine or Scrubs. But I do own the short-haired, chubby girl from Michigan. LOL Read and you'll understand. **

He was wet, cold, nude and severely injured. Being a fairly experienced doctor, he could almost be positive that he'd either fractured or broken his tailbone.

The water on his body had slithered off of him and onto the floor, making it dangerous to even move. The last thing he wanted to do was almost stand up, then fall to the ground and add to his already extensive injuries.

JD did the only thing that he could think of at the time. Using his palms, he gently inched himself toward the door. Even with the slippery tile underneath him, each movement sent sharp pain down his back. A tiny voice inside of him told him to just lay there and let himself slowly die. It was the same voice that told him to lay in bed and never get up. He'd conquered it before and he'd do it again, if only for the fact that he'd hate for somebody to find his corpse in the nude.

It took quite a while, but he finally made it to the door. Using all of his arm strength, he pushed on a nearby wall and managed to pull himself up enough to stagger the three steps to his bed. JD nearly collasped on the soft, dry cushion and ignored the seering pain in his back. It took him a moment to regain energy enough to situate himself and snatch his cellphone off of the bedside table.

Ignoring the rising dread in his throat, JD dialed Sacred Heart and hoped to God that somebody nice would pick up.

" What?! "

That voice.

Oh God.

It was the voice that screamed at him in his nightmares. It was the voice that caused the nightmares in the first place. Why was his spiteful mentor answering the phone anyway?

"Um, hi. It's JD. "

" Who? "

" Paulina. "

" Where the Hell have you been, Alexandra? I've been covering your patients for 45 minutes!"

Had it really been 45 minutes? JD looked at his alarm clock and swallowed. It HAD been 45 minutes.

" I'm sorry, Dr. Cox, but... I-I can't come into work today. " JD closed his eyes and held his breath, waiting for the phone to explode or break or lose service. Anything.

" Why? " Dr. Cox almost sounded genuinely concerned. That bothered JD even more than a lecture would have. He didn't need concern.

" Um...I just can't. " JD knew he'd never live it down if Dr. Cox knew that he'd hurt himself getting out of the shower.

" Newbie, if you aren't here in the next 5 minutes, you are going to pay. ' I just can't ' isn't a good enough excuse to miss work. I don't care if there _is_ an Opera marathon on TV today, you have a job. Do it. "

" But Dr. Cox, I- "

" 5 minutes, Newbie. "

With that, the older doctor hung up. JD rolled his eyes and redialed Sacred Heart. The chances of Dr. Cox picking up again were slim.

" Sacred Heart. How can I help you? " Carla's warm voice was comforting to JD. It's been a long time since he'd heard it talking to him.

" Hi Carla, it's JD. "

" Oh. Hey Bambi. " The pseudo warmth that was previously in her voice was gone.

" I tried calling in before, but Dr. Cox wouldn't listen to me. I can't make it in today. "

He heard Carla sigh on the other line and say something to Laverne.

" Bambi, we're already short staffed. You need to come in. "

" Carla, I can't. " JD voice was on the edge of tears.

" Bambi, I don't know what's been going on with you lately, but you can't let it affect your job. We need you here as soon as possible. " Carla took a deep breath and tried to soften her voice. " The patients can't be the ones who pay because you are going through something in your personal life. "

JD growled and saw a flash of anger. " I can't come in, Carla! I CAN'T!! Get off of your high horse and find somebody else, because I won't be there today, and I probably won't be in tomorrow either! " JD shut his phone and let several tears fall down his cheeks. His butt hurt, he was naked and miserable, and half of his collegues were going to be pissed at him for getting stuck with his patients.

" Why am I such a screw-up? " He cried as he tried to adjust himself to a laying position. His injury made all movement slow going, and he wondered how long he could get away with laying in bed and hoping he'd miraculously have a healed buttocks.

Eventually, he'd either have to call an ambulance or have somebody help him to a hospital. The last thing he needed was for his bone to heal strangely and force him to, for the rest of his life, walk like he had a corn cob shoved up his bum.

The thought almost made him giggle, but he didn't seem to have the ability to laugh anymore. Every chuckle ended in tears for him.

He tried again to move, but found himself to be unsuccessful. Looking at the clock, JD couldn't help but cringe at the time. It had been over 10 minutes since he'd gotten off of the phone with Dr. Cox. Who knew what the angry man would do when he _**actually**_ didn't show up to work.

The thought gave him chills.

To pass the time, he went through the different scenarios. He imagined Dr. Cox turning into the Hulk and destroying the hospital. He thought of the older man pushing interns off of the roof to show his anger. Then, he saw Dr. Cox biting Carla and turning her into a vampire, which he decided to write in his screenplay if he ever felt like finishing it.

After what seemed like an eternity, JD snapped out of his stance. The clock read 12:30, which meant that he'd been in bed for over 2 hours. He didn't usually eat much, buut his stomach growled angrily. Maybe he would just let himself starve...

JD shook away the thought and opened up the drawer on his bedside table. Inside was a letter that his dad had wrote him before he died, a few old People magazines, a pack of gum and a chocolate bar that he kept for nights that he needed a pick-me-up. Chocolate was scientifically proven to be a mood stimulating substance. It even made his depression seem a little bit better.

He grabbed one of the magazines and the candy bar and slowly sat back up. The slightest movement hurt, but he knew he couldn't stay still forever. Especially since he was still nude. There was no way that he was going to the hospital in the buff.

Once back into a fairly comfortably position, he ripped open his candy and took a large bite. The creamy chocolate both relaxed his mind and tensed his muscles. It relaxed him because, well, it's chocolate. It's made him tense because it was thick in his dry throat, leaving him thirsty and a little bit more miserable than before.

" Figures..."

After swallowing a few times, his intense thirst weakened and he flipped open the magazine. He knew that it would only keep his attention for a little while, but he guessed that it was better than just thinking for the next however many hours he'd be stuck.

The magazine was all old news. Jamie Lynn was pregnant, Brangelina adopted more kids, Zach Braff was getting married to short-haired, chubby girl from Michigan. Just as he opened up to a _What is your personal flower? _quiz, he heard a strange noise coming from the other room.

His heart nearly stopped when he realized what was happening.

A unintelligable voice muttered something and feet pattered on his kitchen floor.

Somebody was in his apartment.

**Whoa. Cliffhanger. LOL **

**) I know that this chapter was Borefest 2008, but I promise it will eventually get better. Eventually.**

**HAZEL**


	3. Trapped

JD's breath caught in his throat.

Somebody was in his apartment.

It sounded like they were just roaming around, maybe looking for something.

He closed his eyes and tried to shake away the images of being shot, repeatedly stabbed and suffocated with his pillow.

Even though he was 99 sure that whoever was in his apartment would probably brutally murder him, JD couldn't help but be semi-relieved.

This way, he wouldn't have to take his own life. He'd just let the burgular kill him and then he wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore. And he wouldn't have to be humiliated about his butt problem.

_It's probably best this way._

The footsteps got closer and JD's heartbeat quickened.

_Make it fast. Please just get it over with._

" I'm going to kick your ass. " A gruff voice called from directly oustide of his door.

JD shuddered and slid further beneath his blanket. He didn't want to be in pain. He wanted it to be quick and painless. But whoever was in his apartment obviously had something else in mind.

His eyes shot to the clock.

_Time of Death: 1:06_

The person slowly turned the knob. The suspense was killing JD. He wanted to close his eyes and wait for the end, but a part of him wanted to see what his murderer looked like before he died.

" Newbie, you are so-_hoe _going to pay for missing work today. " Dr. Cox walked through the door and squinted his eyes at the sight. JD was naked, half covered by a blanket and his face was as white as a sheet.

_Oh God. I would rather have died._

" You couldn't come in because... you're naked? " Dr. Cox folded his arms and tried to surpress a grin. JD's embarassment was causing him immense pleasure.

JD swallowed and tried to fight back the tears. He was humiliated, and Dr. Cox would probably tell the entire hospital about this incident.

" I have no idea what is going on, and I honestly don't think I want to. But unless you are dying of some contagious disease, you **will** get out of bed, get dressed and come into work. Chop chop, Newbie, I'm not wasting my entire lunch break on you. "

JD clenched his eyes tightly shut.

" I can't move. "

Dr. Cox raised an eyebrow and flicked his nose.

" That's a new one. "

" I fell and I think I broke my tailbone. I can't move. " JD blurted out, before biting his cheeks. A deadly intruder was better than this.

Anything was better than the humiliation he was feeling.

" You serious? " Dr. Cox sounded amused and slightly concerned.

JD nodded.

" And you didn't think to come get checked out? "

" I can't move. "

Dr. Cox nodded and seemed to accept that excuse.

" Why didn't you think to say anything about this earlier? "

" I didn't think it mattered. "

_ I didn't really think anybody gave a shit. _

Dr. Cox rolled his eyes. " What? Didn't med school teach you that broken bones are, in fact, serious. What, did you plan on laying naked in bed for the rest of your life? "

_ Seeing how I was hoping that you were going to murder me, I actually did plan to lay naked in bed for the rest of my life. _

" I would have called for help eventually. "

Dr. Cox growled and walked into JD's bathroom. Several minutes later, he came out with a bathrobe and a hot pad.

" I'm going to let you maintain a little shred of your dignity, Clarissa. Put this on. " He tossed the robe to JD, who slipped it on and wrapped it around his naked body. It was long enough to cover everything decently.

Dr. Cox grabbed a pair of underwear from a stack of clean laundry and threw them at the younger man. " Think you can slip 'em on, Josephine? "

JD tried and yelped. Slowly, he inched them up his thighs. By the time the underwear were completely on, JD's lower back was throbbing.

" I'm assuming that you can't walk at all? "

JD nodded miserably and sighed. " Do I really have to go to the hospital? It'll heal- "

Dr. Cox leveled his eyes to JD and grabbed the younger man by the shoulders. " Unless you want to spend the next 6 or so weeks laying in bed and writhing in pain, you will stop complaining and accept my help. I don't do this 'nice' thing very often, so you'd better take advantage of it now before I take it back and leave you here to die. "

_Does he realize that I _want_ him to do that?_

Both men were still for a moment. JD didn't answer the question.

" You want me to leave you here to die? "

_...Yeah._

" I just think that I'll be fine without going to the hospital. I'll rest here for awhile... "

Dr. Cox rolled his eyes again and put an arm around JD's shoulders. The gesture shocked the younger man. That was, until Dr. Cox put his other arm underneath JD's knees and lifted him up off of the bed.

" We're short staffed. You can't die unless **I** am the one killing you. " Dr. Cox shifted JD in his arms and tried to keep a civilized look. He knew just how uncomfortable and embarassed JD must have been feeling. Dr. Cox's every move bothered JD's injury.

JD had to hold back a yelp as Dr. Cox carried him into the living room. He set JD down carefully in his desk chair and put the warm, heating pad behind his back.

" You do realize that this makes you my bitch, Wendy. "

JD completely ignored the statement and tried to focus on something else. Something positive.

Nothing came to mind.

He wanted more than anything to crawl back into bed and slowly fall off the face of the earth.

As carefully as possible, Dr. Cox wheeled JD out of the apartment and into the hallway. The irish man looked at his watch and scowled.

" I have 5 minutes left for lunch. There's no way we'll make it back on time, thanks to you."

JD's lower lip quivered and he blinked back several tears. " I'm sorry. "

Dr. Cox kept pushing the chair and looked at JD. He saw a tear drip down the other's cheek, which he chose to ignore.

" Bet it hurts pretty bad, huh? " Dr. Cox pressed the down button on the elevator and pulled his phone out. He pressed number 4 on his speed dial and waited to get his head bitten off.

" Where the Hell are you? " Carla sniped as she answered the phone.

" Went to go get Newbie. " Dr. Cox replied as he tapped his foot and tried not to punch the elevator door. He was not a patient man.

" Is he coming in? " Dr. Cox could tell that Carla was getting irritated.

" Yeah. But he isn't working. " Dr. Cox looked at JD and grinned menicingly. He knew that his last statement would set the Latina woman off.

" What do you mean he isn't working?! " Carla was practically yelling.

" He's hurt."

Carla remained quiet for a moment. " Is it serious? "

" We'll know soon enough. Can you send a wheelchair out for the princess when I call? "

" Yeah. " Carla hung up. Dr. Cox growled and kicked the elevator door.

" What is wrong with your apartment building? They can't afford decent elevators? " At that moment, the doors opened and JD let off a small chuckle.

" Took long enough. " Dr. Cox muttered as he pushed the injured man into the elevator.

The doors closed and the elevator made it's slow descent to the main floor.

" How did this happen, Newbie? "

JD scowled at the nickname and bit back the urge to say something along the lines of ' I've been working with you for nine years, I'm not a Newbie anymore! '

" I fell while getting out of the shower. "

He heard a muffled noise from Dr. Cox and turned to see the man covering his mouth with his hand.

" Go ahead and laugh, Perry. It's just_ so _funny that I got hurt. " JD remarked bitterly.

He listened to the other man laugh for a few minutes before angrily clearing his throat.

" What the Hell is taking this elevator so long!? First we had to wait forever to get on it, now they won't let us off!! If I didn't know any better, I'd say that I'm having sex with Jordan right now. "

JD grunted.

" What was that for, Shirley Temple? "

" There was something in my throat. Sorry. " He replied sarcastically.

The truth wasn't that JD had something in his throat. It was that, even though Dr. Cox and Jordan were both crazy and mean and dysfuntional, they had a great relationship. JD would kill for a closeness like theirs. Heck, he'd kill for any closeness at all. Yet Perry constantly complained and bad-mouthed Jordan behind her back.

Dr. Cox had the world and he still wasn't happy.

If JD had what his mentor had, he'd probably be the happiest man in the world.

He guessed that it wasn't in his destiny to be a happy man. He was supposed to be alone and miserable. He belonged in his dark, empty place.

--

Dr. Cox watched him. He noted the downcast eyes and the seemingly joyless facade.

In the past few months, he'd noticed a change in the younger doctor. The man rarely smiled, he stopped hugging people, he stopped chatting with his patients, he didn't talk much and he very rarely ate lunch. All of the signs were alarming , but Dr. Cox never quite found the right time to discuss the things with his protege.

It wasn't even his job to deal with personal issues, but something inside of him told him that it was his place to step in. He fought that something with every ounce of logic and hatred that he had in him, but he knew that he needed to help the other man.

Maybe when they got back to Sacred Heart...

After a few quiet minutes, the loud ringing of the phone in the elevator broke the silence.

Dr. Cox snatched it up quickly and put it to his ear.

" Hell-o-vater speaking. What the Hell do you want? " Dr. Cox listened for a moment before letting out an angry growl. " I have a man in here who needs to get to a hospital, so fix the damn thing, you incompetant, overpaid jackass! " With that, he slammed the phone and kicked the wall before pulling out the cord and making them virtually unreachable.

JD gulped and tried to calm his shaking hands.

" We're stuck in here for awhile, Newbie. "

_Just great..._

**Did anybody think that I was going to have JD get murdered by an intruder? No, I'm sick of JD getting kidnapped/sodomized/murdered in my fics. It's time for a change. Anyways, I'm working pretty hard on this fic, so I hope my work is appreciated!! )**

**HAZEL**


	4. Eagle!

Dr. Cox's POV

It's probably the perfect opprotunity for me to talk to Newbie. We're stuck in this metal death trap for God only knows how long. I'll be casual, he'll spill his guts and we can both pretend that this never happened.

" This is all your fault, Desiree. "

That didn't come out right.

" I know, Dr. Cox. " He whispered to me. Wait...

Is he actually crying? Why the Hell is he crying? Am I feeling guilty?

He has been acting really strange, lately. Maybe it's more serious than I expected...

" Newbie, what's going on with you? "

That may have sounded a little more accusing then I intended. Oh well, I'm sure he doesn't care.

All the color drained out of Newbie's face and he started twiddling his thumbs.

" Nothing's going on...My back just hurts. "

That sounded like more of a question.

" Anastasia, as much as I hate to acknowledge it, I've known you for over 9 years. I am much smarter than your little "posse", and I'm not going to pretend like you're just peachy. Mostly because I can't have you messing up on a patient because of this. You're going to tell me. "

JD shook his head.

" Newbie..."

He's ignoring me. People DON'T ignore Perry Cox.

" JD. "

Newbie's head shot up and now he is looking at me. I knew that using his name would work.

3rd Person

JD swallowed hard. Dr. Cox had used his real name.

_He must know. But he can't know. I'm not that obviously depressed...right? Elliot and Turk didn't notice, Carla didn't notice... Why would Dr. Cox notice? _

He stared up at the older man.

" Wh-Why are you calling me that? I'm not THAT hurt..." JD half-heartedly chuckled and shifted uncomfortably. This was the last thing he wanted to talk about to the last person he wanted to talk to.

" You aren't fooling me. I'm not stupid. " Dr. Cox looked at him knowingly and spun JD's chair. " This can be very easy, or very hard for you. "

Dr. Cox gave JD's chair another hard push, and it spun on it's base. JD tried to stop the spinning with his feet, but moving them hurt his back.

Dr. Cox didn't realize that JD had very weak stomach a was prone to vomit when dizzy.

" When you talk, I'll stop it. "

He didn't want to talk. He didn't need help. He could make it by himself.

Dr. Cox spun faster. The elevator walls all blended together in a swirl of brown and grey. JD felt the stomach acid and chocolate bar in his stomach churning and rising.

" Okay. " JD whispered loud enough for Dr. Cox to hear. The older man gripped the chair and brought JD to an abrupt halt.

" Talk. " He demanded and swallowed back a satisfied smile.

_I always know how to make them talk._

He stood in front of JD and looked down. He noted that his co-worker looked absolutely pale.

" Well? "

JD leaned over and winced as he deposited his stomach contents onto Dr. Cox's white shoes.

**Poor JD can't handle a little bit of spin torture. LOL Hope you like it!!**

**HAZEL**


	5. Shoes

JD's POV

" Did you just puke on my shoes? " Dr. Cox yelled at me.

I had. I had left a disgusting, dirty orange vomit all over his shoes. I think I'm going to kill myself after this is over. I honestly don't think I can go on living with the humiliation.

" Yeah. " God, I sound so timid. Get a backbone, JD.

Dr. Cox is pacing. He is really, really pissed.

What is wrong with me?

3rd Person

Dr. Cox walked over to JD and put a hand on his forehead. The injured man flinched at the touch and closed his eyes. He was waiting to be severely beaten.

" I'm not going to hit you, Naomi. I was checking you for a fever. You're burning up. " JD saw a flash in Dr. Cox's eyes that almost looked regretful.

" I'm sorry about your shoes. "

" Yeah, well, I probably shouldn't have spun you so much. "

JD smiled. It was the closest thing to an apology that he was going to get from his mentor.

" Just because you have a weak stomach doesn't mean that our previous conversation is over. " Dr. Cox kicked his shoes off and put them in one corner of the elevator. Then, he found a clean wall and sat down against it, indian style. Using one of his feet, he slowly spun JD so that they were facing each other.

" Time to talk. "

JD breathed deeply through his nose.

Should he tell Dr. Cox? Should he lie? Should he pretend to faint and then stay "unconcious" until the elevator got fixed?

" I- "

He was cut off by the metal doors opening.

" Thank God. " Dr. Cox sighed and looked at JD. " This isn't over. " He started wheeling the chair out when paramedics with a stretcher flooded into the elevator.

" We got a call that somebody was stuck in an elevator and in need of an ambulance. " One of the panicked paramedics said as he headed toward JD.

" No, I said that he had to go to a hospital. I am perfectly capable of taking him. " Dr. Cox replied harshly as he continued wheeling JD out.

" Sir, are you hurt? " A female paramedic, whose nametag read Pam, asked. She stood in front of JD and stopped movement of the chair with her shoe.

" A little. " JD choked out and twitched. He hated having people fuss over him. " I'll be fine."

" Don't worry, sir. We are taking you to the hospital. Can you tell me your name? "

" John Dorian. Listen- "

" _Dr_. Dorian. " Dr. Cox piped up, putting an emphasis on the doctor part as he tried to manuever the chair around the paramedic. " I'm Dr. Cox. We are doctors. We don't need your 'help'."

" Listen, Dr. Cox, you can ride in the back. Just let me do my job as quickly as possible so that we don't cause Dr. Dorian any more pain. " The paramedic instructed and tried to keep her cool. " How did you get injured, Dr. Dorian? "

" I fell on my butt. " JD said. Dr. Cox laughed and crossed his arms. He knew that JD probably wasn't going to cooperate with Pam.

" Can you elaborate? "

" It hurt. "

Pam rolled her eyes and swallowed back a biting remark. She started writing on a chart in her hand.

The other paramedic grabbed JD and lifted him out of his office chair.

" Hey!" He yelped at the discomfort in his back. When the set him on the stretcher, he sucked breath in through clenched teeth and tried to focus on something other than the pain. His back was stiff from over an hour in the chair and the man wasn't necessarily being gentle.

" Be careful! " Dr. Cox snapped and walked over to the stretcher.

_Why is he being so damn nice to me? Dr. Cox is rarely nice to anybody, except his kids._

The paramedics lifted JD into the ambulance. Just as they were about to pull out, Pam noticed Dr. Cox wasn't wearing shoes.

" What happened to your shoes? " She asked suspiciously.

" He puked on them. " Dr. Cox pointed to JD and sat down in a chair on one side of the ambulance.

Pam looked concerned and put a hand on JD's forehead. Quickly, she grabbed a thermometer from a cabinet and stuck it in his mouth.

" He's probably just a little flushed from being man-handled by your friend. "

Pam shot Dr. Cox and angry glare before pulling the thermometer out.

" 101.5. Are you sick, Dr. Dorian? "

_I'm probably flushed because I rarely eat and my body is exhausted from a long day of crying and being trapped in an elevator. And being spun around until I puked._

" I don't think so. " JD muttered. The longer he was in the ambulance, the sicker he felt.

" Do you have any idea what may have caused you to get sick? "

JD looked to Dr. Cox and before he could open his mouth, the older doctor said, " The kid didn't tell me that he has an incredibly girly stomach. I spun him around too much in his chair, which I'm sure has been picked up by some hobo now, along with my vomit-stained shoes. "

Pam looked at him, disgusted and started examining JD the best that she could while he was on the stretcher.

A few minutes later, they arrived at the hospital. Dr. Cox paged Carla to bring out a wheelchair, and several minutes later was lifting the doctor off of the stretcher and sitting him down in the chair.

" Feeling okay there, Newbie? "

JD tried to nod, but felt a sudden wave of exhaustion hit him. The hospital usuallly had that effect on him. The second he'd walk inside every morning, it felt like all of the life was sucked out of him. Not to mention the fact that he'd be facing all of the people that he had recently grown to dislike. Elliot, Carla, even his Chocolate Bear. If none of them had 5 seconds to talk to him, he didn't want to talk to them. He wasn't going to go the extra mile for people who didn't even care.

JD shut his eyes and laid his head back. Dr. Cox was wheeling him into the hospital and Carla was walking close behind. She was surprisingly silent through the whole thing. If this had happened to him only a few months ago, Carla would be babying him and making a huge fuss over his injury. She did nothing, because she didn't care anymore. None of them did.

JD soon felt his mind wandering to things that wouldn't hurt as much. He stopped thinking about the embarassment and all the unpleasant things that were going on. He just focused on the back of his eyelids for awhile.

_So dark. Like me_.

He was relaxed. Probably too relaxed, given the situation. But as long as he focused on his eyelids, he felt peaceful.

It was nice.

**Well, Chapter 5 is done. Thanks to anybody who reviewed any of the previous chapters!! )**

**HAZEL**


	6. Surprise Visitors

When he awoke, JD could tell that he was highly doped up on morphine. He felt cloudy and more than just a little bit disoriented. After a few moments of blinking and trying to realize what was going on, JD remembered the day's previous events and fought at the blush in his cheeks.

Nobody was with him in the room. And though he was glad that nobody was there to see him in the gown, it still hurt pretty deeply that nobody cared enough to stay with him,

_What did I expect? That even though they've been ignoring me for all of this time, they'd suddenly come through for me when I got hurt? Of course they wouldn't..._

It's a difficult thing to swallow when you realize that you have no friends. The heaviness of that conclusion was too much for JD to bear. He chocked back a sob and sunk deeper into his blanket.

Even though he should have called for a nurse, he sat alone for awhile and thought about his life. Inside, he really hoped that his room would spontaneously combust and he'd be trapped inside, or that his morphine distributor would break and he'd be unintentionally overdosed. Maybe if he was dead, he wouldn't have to feel so horrible all of the time.

" Something is wrong with him, Carla. You know that I _ne_-hever take any interest in Newbie's life, so you'd better believe me when I say that I have a damn good reason to think that something is wrong. " Dr. Cox narrowed his eyes at the Latina woman. " You'd all see it too, if you weren't so busy ignoring him all of the time. "

" Turk and I haven't been ignoring him. We've been busy and we really don't have time to deal with his neediness. He's a grown man, Perry, he can take care of himself. " Carla said, matter-of-factly as she wrote something on a chart.

" When is the last time you even talked to him about something other than the hospital? "

Carla thought hard for a moment and shrugged. " I can't remember exactly when, but I'm sure that it was recently. I've been really swamped here, so excuse me for not bending over backward to talk to JD! " Carla snipped as she grabbed another chart and started writing furiously on it.

" Since when did you start calling him JD. What happened to your little pet name? " Dr. Cox crossed his arms and looked at her suspiciously. Carla glanced up from her work at Dr. Cox, who had one eyebrow raised in her direction.

" I...I don't really know..." She stuttered, a tint of guilt in her voice.

" That's what I thought. " Dr. Cox said before walking over to JD's room. The room was almost directly across from the Nurse's station, so he could use the excuse that he randomly dropped in while getting his charts. Dr. Cox didn't want JD to think that he actually cared enough to check on him when he had other patients that needed attention.

Dr. Cox pushed the door a crack and stuck his eye up to the opening. He saw JD, lying on his back with several tears sliding down his cheeks. He noted that his eyes were sad and blank.

He'd never admit it aloud, but that look really scared him. He'd never seen his Newbie looking so defeated before.

Instead of barging in and embarassing JD more than he already was, Dr. Cox shut the door quietly and walked back to where Carla was standing.

" You want to peek your curly head in there and tell me that Jessica is just peachy? " Dr. Cox asked as he leaned against the counter. He was more shaken up by JD's tears than he cared to admit.

Carla tsked and strolled over to JD's room.

" I'm sure that you're just over-reacting. " She peeked through a small opening in the doorway. Quickly, she retreated back to her spot at the Nurse's Station without saying a word.

" Well? "

" He broke his tailbone in three places. That's why he's crying. "

" You are _so_ far in denial, Carla. When Newbie had appendicitis, did he cry? When his dad died, did he cry? When Kim said that she had a miscarriage, did he cry? No, Carla. Newbie _doesn't_ cry. Especially not in places where people could see it. You have to help him. "

" I don't see you in there trying to help him. " She snapped. " Don't tell me to do it if you can't! "

Dr. Cox got close up in her face, which he rarely did unless he was really angry.

" Why do you think that I spent all of my lunch break going to see him? Or that I dragged his ass here instead of letting him rot on his bed? Or got him a room as close to the Nurse's Station as I could? I'm trying to help him, and I'm not even his friend. " Dr. Cox spat before storming off toward JD's room.

Carla stood there, speechless, for only a moment before resuming her work.

_JD is fine. Dr. Cox is just being dramatic. _

" Look who's risen! It's Sleeping Beauty! " Dr. Cox stood in the doorway for a moment, alowing JD to regain his composure.

The injured man frantically wiped his eyes and tried, to no avail, to cover up the puffiness in his face.

" Too late, Ariel. I already saw. " Dr. Cox strolled further into the room and snatched JD's chart out from the tray at the end of the bed. " Your tailbone is broken in three places. If you had more calcium in your diet, the break probably wouldn't be so severe. "

JD gulped. Three places? That was probably going to be a bit of a burden.

" I'm assuming that the lack of calcium stems from lack of...oh, I don't know, eating? " Dr. Cox sat down on the edge of JD's bed. " You can't starve yourself, Newbie. You're a doctor. "

The door opened slowly and both men jumped. A nurse ( one whom JD wasn't acquainted with ) wheeled a tray of food in. She was smiling polietly.

" Sorry to startle you, but I have the food that you requested for the patient, Dr. Cox. "

" Perfect timing. " Dr. Cox grinned at her wildly and avoided JD's furious stare.

The nurse set the tray up before leaving the two men alone once again.

" I'm not leaving this room until you finish that whole tray. " Dr. Cox stated stubbornly. "It's your choice. "

JD looked with disgust at his tray. " I'm-I'm not hungry..." He pushed the food away and squirmed up in the bed, trying to get as far away from the nourishment as possible.

The older doctor growled and pushed the tray back at JD. " You ARE going to eat. " He said, his voice firm and demanding.

JD glared at his mentor before giving in and picking the apple up. It was the smallest thing on the tray.

" Why haven't you been eating? " Dr. Cox asked, his tone like that of an angry father.

JD took a small nibble of the apple and slowly chewed it. He didn't necessarily WANT to explain to his mentor that the thought of eating repulsed him, that he was often too busy to eat anyway. He didn't want to tell the man that he idealized that he'd much rather be so busy trying to excel in his career than empty and hopeless, like he usually did. He swallowed heavily and set his apple down.

" I do eat. I puked my breakfast all over your shoes. "

_Ha. I'd like to see Dr.Smartass argue with that one._

" You're right. Whatever junk you ate for breakfast is gone. So I guess you're pretty hungry now, huh? "

_Dammit!_

" No, I'm not. "

Dr. Cox growled in frusteration and grabbed JD's sandwich off of his tray. In one simple motion, he threw the turkey and cheese at his collegue in a fit of anger.

" I'm trying to help you, Desiree! Why won't you just take the help? "

JD stared in horror at his violently angry mentor, and the food that was now scattered all over his robe.

" I-I-I don't need help, Perry. " JD nearly whispered.

" You don't have any idea what you need, Newbie. You've lost too much weight, not to mention all interest in your patients. Hell, when you didn't show up this morning, I assumed your body just couldn't take it anymore. You're overworking yourself, and you don't even see it. "

JD shook his head. He knew the doctor was right, but how could he explain what he was feeling. He didn't want his superior thinking he was just being a girl.

" Since when are you one to talk about self-destruction, Perry? " JD hissed, his voice dripping with venom. " I'm surprised that in the time it took you to rant at me, your liquor-soaked liver didn't fail on you. Don't even think about judging me, you self-righteous hypocrite. "

Dr. Cox was taken aback, to say the least. He hadn't expected the other man to be so harsh. And he wasn't the only one. JD never knew that he had the courage to say such things to the other man.

" Obviously you won't accept my help. That's just fine, Newbie. " Dr. Cox sneered sarcastically. " Dan and your mom are on there way here. Maybe they can knock some sense into you."

JD's eyes shot up and he looked at the other man, clearly terrified. " My mom?! "

" The one and only. " Dr. Cox stood up off of the bed and moved over to a nearby chair. " They should be here in about an hour. Until then, you'd better eat that food. I'm not leaving until it is gone. "

" Whatever. I'm not eating the sandwich. " He picked a piece of lettuce off of his robe collar and set it on the tray. " You should try anger management, crazy. "

Dr. Cox growled. " Just eat your damn meal and be grateful that I'm not spoon feeding you, you big baby. "

JD picked up the pudding and opened it up. He knew that there was no way he could keep the food down. Not with Dan and his mom coming up.

_What am I supposed to say to her? It's been years since we last talked. She didn't even care enough to call back when I told her I have a son..._

JD sat silently and picked at his meal for a half-hour.

_What am I gonna do? _


	7. History Revealed

**I know that my updates are few and far between, but I'm doing the best that I can. Don't think that I've given up on my stories! I haven't!**

**HAZE**

_FLASHBACK_

_" Mom? " 14-year old John Dorian called out nervously. " I'm home. "_

_He shut the door to their trailer and stepped carefully inside. _

_" Mom? Are you here? "_

_" Shut up, John! I have company! " Barbara called out from her bedroom._

_JD rolled his eyes and walked over to the small room he shared with his older brother._

_" Dan? "_

_"What?"_

_"Have you heard anything from Dad yet?" JD drew in a deep breath and almost dreaded the reply that he was sure he was going to get._

_Dan looked up from his video game. " He said he's not gonna make it up. What did you expect? "_

_JD's expression noticably crumpled as he threw his book bag on the dirty floor and slumped out of the room. He paused at his mother's door for a moment, listening for a brief moment as her new boyfriend yelled at her about her ' fucking kids' always interrupting them._

_Disgusted, JD bolted out of the trailer and into the street. There were other kids out there too, but they didn't usually talk to him. Nobody really did. Not even his big brother._

_Young JD floated along, day by day, trying to convince himself that all of the painful days at the trailer park would soon be but distant memories._

_As he ran through fields of broken glass and cigarette ashes, JD fought the tears stinging at the back of his eyes._

_Nobody would notice his inner turmoil for 21 more years. Nobody cared enough..._

_END FLASHBACK_

" Newbie, I get that you're pissed I called your mommy. But is the silent treatment really necessary? "

" I thought you loved it when I leave you alone? " JD sneered from across the room.

Dr. Cox, noticeably taken aback, scoffed half-heartedly at his protege. " Somebody forgot to take her Midol this morning? "

JD ignored the statement and glanced outside his window.

He'd never been big on nature, but he found himself contemplating it a lot lately. Focusing on the intricate details of the world helped keep his mind off of his feelings. At that moment, it helped him not stress over his impending visitors.

" They aren't that bad, are they? I know Dan is...Well, he's Dan. But your mom? "

JD pretended not to hear the other man. Telling Perry about his Mom would probably end with his mentor calling him a girl's name and telling him to suck it up.

" Newbie! "

JD snapped out of his daze.

" WHAT?! " The incapacitated man yelled, much louder than he'd intended.

" Answer my question! "

_FLASHBACK_

_" Answer my question, you little shit. " The large man held 16 year old John Dorian by the throat._

_" I-I-I didn't drink your beer! " JD exclaimed, helpless against the drunken man who had him pinned to a nearby wall._

_" You lying mother fucker. " The man growled as he tighten his grip around the teen's neck._

_Through bleary eyes, JD saw his older brother walk into the room and do a double-take at the scene, only to half-shrug and swing the door to his bedroom open wide._

_Before he lost conciousness, JD got a good look at the empty beer cans on his brother's side of their bedroom._

_END FLASHBACK_

" That was a pretty long one, Pocahontas. I must say, I'm almost impressed with your ability to completely block out reality and dream about...candy bracelets? "

JD shook his head.

" Candy...necklaces? Or was it just necklaces in general? Diamonds ARE a girl's best friend. "

JD closed his tired eyes and rested his head up against his chair. The approaching visit from Dan and his mom was taking quite a toll on him.

" Little Brother! Wake up! "

JD groaned inwardly as he instantly recognized the nickname. He opened his eyes slowly and was met with the painful realization that Dan and his mother were in his hospital room. Dr. Cox looked on with disgust as Dan shook JD awake, and JD's mother lit a cigarette.

" This is a hospital. " The older doctor pointed to the cigarette in the woman's hand. " Put it out. "

Barbara Dorian, who stood at about 5 feet tall, with dark, thinning hair and wrinkled skin, glared at Dr. Cox and took a long draw from her cigarette.

" You the guy who called me? " She began, her voice husky from years of smoking. After getting a half-nod and grunt from Dr. Cox, she stuck her hand out. " I want my money. You said- "

" I know what I said. You don't need to repeat it. " Dr. Cox snapped, looking at JD with slight guilt in his eyes.

" M-Money? " JD asked, speaking for the first time since his "family" arrived.

Barbara looked over at him, obviously annoyed, and squinted her eyes at her youngest. Dan's eyes also shot toward JD.

" You said that you'd pay me as soon as I got here. I want my money, dammit! " The woman complained, rage sprawled across her wrinkled face.

JD looked from his mother to his mentor, then to his brother. " You paid them to come here? "

Dan put his hands up defensively. " Not me. "

Dr. Cox scowled at the two vistors and pulled a 50 dollar bill out of his pocket. Uncaringly, he tossed it at JD's mother's feet and sighed.

JD couldn't describe how he felt at that moment. Betrayed, used...

Unloved, worthless...The words didn't do justice to the empty feeling in his stomach.

He swallowed back a sob in his throat. He knew his mother didn't care about him, but it still hurt that she had to be bribed to go see him in the hospital.

" Why are we even here? " She inquired, irritated, before taking another long draw from her smoke and coughing.

Nobody said a word.

Dr. Cox sat in his chair and looked honestly stumped. Why had he called these people? Why hadn't he listened to JD and left well enough alone? He didn't know how he should deal with the two.

He knew that JD's emotional trauma probably stemmed from a difficult childhood. He knew that his own childhood wounds played a big part in his current problems. Dr. Cox couldn't help but wonder if bringing JD's mother back into the picture was adding fuel to the fire.

" Well? We don't have all day. "

" Yes, we do. " Dan muttered underneath his breath. " Why don't you go get a drink while I talk to Johnny? " He motioned to the 50 dollars in his mother's hand and then to the door.

She scoffed at him and grabbed her purse off of a nearby table. As she left the room, its inhabitants could hear her complaining about something being 'pointless' and 'a waste of gas'.

Dan smiled half-heartedly at both JD and Dr. Cox. " Moms, huh? "

" She's not much of a mom, Dan. " JD pointed out, nervously playing with a loose thread on his blanket.

" Yeah..."

The three of them sat silently, the awkwardness of the silence hung heavily in the room.

" What's wrong, little brother? " Dan asked, almost timidly. " Why are we here? "

JD rolled his eyes. His family acted like it was such an enormous burden to visit him.

" He's in the hospital, Dan. "

JD and Dan looked at each other. To them, It wasn't such an odd thing for JD to be in the hospital. In fact, both of them could recall several times during their childhood where JD was in the hospital because one of their Mom's boyfriends roughed him up.

" It's really not a big deal, Dan. I broke my tailbone. " JD admitted sheepishly.

" In three places. " Perry chimed in. " And he hasn't been eating. "

JD's face reddened.

" Again, little brother?! "

JD closed his eyes and braced himself for the lecture of a lifetime. Growing up, he often went long periods of time without eating. Partially because they were broke and his Mom spent most of her money on beer and cigarettes. Another part of it was because he often didn't feel hungry. Dan was the only person who had ever noticed, and _he _only took measures when he realized that JD's ribs were showing through his skin. After that, he started yelling at JD when he'd skip a meal.

It wasn't the most caring intervention, but it got him eating again.

JD didn't know if he was grateful for it or not.

He desperately try to avoid contact with his mentor as the man processed what Dan said.

" He's done this before? "

Dan nodded and looked at JD, ashamed. " Yeah, when we were kids... "

Perry put his hands on his head and clenched his jaw. " Step outside with me, Dan. " Perry instructed, without even acknowledging his nervous protege.

Dan agreed and the two of them left the room.

JD felt like he was drowning. He could almost guess what the two of them were saying about him. They were angry, confused and disappointed, and they didn't know what to do.

_Once again, I've let everybody down._

He tried not to panic. He really did.

But every breath he took was quicker than the last. His breathing grew shallow and his vision red as he imagined his brother and boss talking about all of his problems.

The room spun and JD felt completely helpless.

**Well? How did you like CH 7?**

**Give me a woot woot if it was good, and a BOO if it sucked eggs. )**

**LOL**

**HAZEL**


	8. Lips are Sealed

" Is there anything else that I should know about? " Dr. Cox leaned against the wall. " As his doctor, I need to know about all past illnesses, hospital stays, everything. He isn't telling me much. "

Dan rolled his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest. " He isn't making this easy, is he? "

Dr. Cox shook his head and peered into the window in the door. JD's face was tinted an unhealthy purple and his breath erratic.

" Shit. " Dr. Cox opened the door and hurriedly walked over to the bed. " Breathe, Newbie."

JD punched his chest several times and coughed. Tears stung in the corners of his eyes.

Dr. Cox grabbed an oxygen tank from the corner of the room and fit the mask around JD's face. " Take a few deep breaths and calm down. You're only making things worse for yourself. " Perry stared back at Dan, who had a ghostly skin colour himself. " Flip the off switch when you're finished. Your brother and I have a few things to discuss. "

JD looked regretfully at Dan. Dan shrugged. " Sorry, Little Brother. "

Dr. Cox grabbed Dan by the cloth on the back of his shirt and dragged him out of the room once again. He slammed the door shut behind them.

" Are you starting to see the severity of this? "

Dan nodded and shuffled nervously on his feet. " You want me to tell you _everything_? "

" Don't leave out a single detail. I need to know all of his medical history, and I can't find him anywhere in the system. "

" Legally, our last name used to be Houghton. After Dad left, Mom made us change our name to her maiden name. Any records would be under John Houghton. " Dan sat down in a nearby chair rubbed his hands together. " Johnny started going by Dad's last name after he graduated high school. But I don't think he ever _technically _changed his name. "

" Why did he stop going by your mother's name? "

Dan twiddled his thumbs and closed his eyes, briefly, as if he was remembering why.

" He said he just wanted to forget. "

Dr. Cox felt his stomach drop. What could possibly be _so_ bad that he'd change his name?

" Forget what? "

Dan closed his eyes. " Just...Just look up the records. I don't remember everything. "

Dr. Cox growled. " That's such a cop out. "

" I really can't- " Dan insisted.

" You can't, or you don't want to? "

Dan's eyes met with Perry's and he tried to control his quivering lower lip.

" A little bit of both. "

Perry nodded and peeked into JD's room once more. " Fair enough. Go in there and calm your brother down. I'm going to take a look at the files. "

Dan agreed, wordlessly and walked into his brother's room. Dr. Cox stood outside for a second and watched Dan sit down by the bed. JD couldn't bring himself to look the other in the eye.

" Poor kid..." Dr. Cox muttered.

Turk walked up beside him and cleared his throat. " How is he doing? "

Perry rolled his eyes. " Sure took you long enough to get over here. "

" I-I-I was busy... "

" Doing what? "

Turk didn't say a word.

Perry tsked and walked off to find the file. He didn't have time to deal with anymore of JD's apathetic friends. He needed to figure out exactly what in his protege's past could be attributing to such a troubling mental state.

--

" You can't do this again. " Dan cried out from the door. " I can't let you do this again. "

" Do what? " JD asked, though he was almost certain of the answer. Dan was the only one who really knew what he'd been through in the past, and even Dan hadn't cared that much before.

He thought that the depression and anxiety was because of their home situation growing up. It never occured to Dan that the feelings were completely out of JD's control.

" This...this thing that you're doing. "

" It's not my fault that I fell. Shit happens, Dan. "

The two of them looked hazardly at one another.

" That's not what I meant, Johnny. " Dan gritted his teeth.

" I know. " JD cringed when he realized that tears were falling down his face. He'd never let Dan see him cry before.

_FLASHBACK_

_As he felt himself about to lose composure, 14-year old JD ran out the front door of the tiny trailer. Once again, his brother had thrown JD's school papers all over the ground, and their Mom's boyfriend wiped his feet on them. 10 hours of intense research and writing were wasted._

_He dashed from the house and ran an entire mile to the forest behind the trailer park. It was a thick wood, with tall trees shooting up higher then any house or building in the area. The only people who ever went back there were police, looking for criminals and runaways. They were back there often, seeing as most kids in the park were runaways at one time or another._

_JD pushed through a small opening a traveled deep into the green and brown. He walked, barefooted, over sticks, leaves and rocks until he reached his destination._

_A tiny section in the middle of the woods had short, wild trees whose branches were intertwined tightly. JD slipped in through a slight opening and grimiced as a thorn scratched his forehead. He held one hand against the wound while using the other to clear the way. After much navigation, he fell inside of the opening and sat on a stump. It was almost as if he was unreachable to the rest of the world. _

_Trees were so tightly wound together around him, that only slivers of light shined on tears he finally let come out._

_He pulled a hankerchief out from his pocket and pressed it up against his bloody head, silently promising himself that one day soon, he'd be a doctor, treating young kids who were just like him._

" You...you're crying? "

JD wiped his cheeks and shook his head. " I have something in my eye. "

" Both of them? " Turk questioned from the door.

JD's head shot up from it's slouched position and he stared at his absentee best friend.

" Hey, Dan. " The surgeon offered.

Dan replied with a small nod and smile.

" Sorry I haven't dropped by more...I've been... " Turk sighed, sounding defeated. " You know... "

_No, Turk, I really don't know. I don't even care. _

" Yeah..." JD said, his eyes losing the tiny remaining sparkle that they held. Having his best friend of 17 years make excuses about why he wouldn't come visit JD in the hospital was too mean, too pathetic. He couldn't pretend to understand

The incapacitated doctor didn't think he could even pretend to have a civilized conversation with Turk.

" So..." Turk looked between the brothers and then back at the door, like it was an escape.

Dan watched the two react to the situation and had to wonder what had been going on with his brother that would cause such a riff between the two friends.

JD crossed his arms and stared out the window. He didn't think he'd ever felt so awkward in his entire life. Even Dr. Cox had _something_ to say. Even if it was sarcastic and hurtful most of the time, it was still something.

How could somebody whom he'd always had so much in common with have nothing to say to him.

_Does Carla have him on such a tight leash that he isn't even the same person? Why do I even care? He obviously doesn't care about me. If he did, he would have dropped everything and run down here to see me when I got admitted. He's got a wife and kid. Why should he care about me? Why should anybody?_

" I guess I should go. " Turk squeaked out after about 5 minutes of silence.

" Yeah... "

Turk walked toward the door and peered back only once, to half-heartedly smile at JD before slipping out of the room.

Dan felt himself getting overwhelmed. His brother was in the hospital, not eating, not opening up to anybody. JD was way too thin and his face was sunken. His eyes were hauntingly hollow.

" You're really scaring me. "

JD nodded and averted his eyes from his brother.

" You going to say something? "

JD opened his mouth and felt a shiver crawl up his spine.

" I'm sorry, Dan. "

Dan grunted and headed toward the door. " That's just not good enough. You're ruining your life. " He slammed the dooor shut behind him and left JD alone with his thoughts.

_I don't know how to fix it. Do they think I have control of this? If I had any say at all, I'd have my best friends, my son and I'd be happy everyday. It's just not that easy._

**I'm going to try and update more often now. So, stay tuned into the story. I promise I'll update at least once a week!**

**)**

**HAZEL**


	9. What He Never Knew

**Hey, guys. I don't know if medical reports have notes about the patient on the bottom, so let's just pretend that they do. I need to have the notes to help reveal JD's past. So, I need you to bear with me and just act like you have no prior knowledge of medicine or files and all of that jazz. **

**HAZEL**

He sat in his Chief of Medicine office and typed furiously on the computer.

_Hmm...Johnathon Houghton..._

" Ah-ha! " He clicked on the link and up popped a picture of JD.

He scanned the page with his eyes.

_31 previous hospital stays! What the- _

Perry's gut wrenched with every painful detail of his protege's past.

_Age 11, fractured leg, bloody nose. Suspected child abuse._

_Age 11, three teeth chipped, bruises. Suspected child abuse._

_Age 11, multiple stab wounds. Child abuse._

" Why did they keep giving him back to his mother? " Perry wondered to himself.

He scrolled down the list and read about the other 28 hospital visits. Most of the reports ended in notes from the doctors and sometimes the police. The writing was chicken scratch and the comments were not pleasant.

_April 5th, 1985 Patient's mother claims that he fell down the stairs. Police were contacted and the mother's boyfriend was arrested for child abuse. Patient is very reserved and quiet. Social service was contacted, and a temporary living situation is being set up for the boy. Sexual abuse is suspected._

_November 18th, 1986 Patient came in with a concussion and black eye. Abuse is evident, and social services have been contacted by the police. Both the mother and her boyfriend appeared to be intoxicated when the police went to the home. The brother brought the patient in. Sexual abuse is suspected._

_August 23rd 1988 Patient appears to have been strangled. His step father has been arrested, and Johnathon will be placed back into his mother's custody until the husband is released on bail. Social services will be contacted._

_February 3rd 1990 Patient was found unconcious by his older brother. Blunt head trauma and bruises scattered throughout his upper body. The police have the step father in custody. The patient hasn't yet regained conciousness._

As he read report after report, Dr. Cox felt the pain of his own troubling childhood diminish. JD's seemed to be so much worse then his.

It was no wonder that the younger man had latched onto Perry. Maybe he thought that the older man would understand, that he would relate.

Dr. Cox felt the guilt swelling up in his chest. All JD wanted was a friend, and Perry did nothing but cause him grief for the past nine years.

Dr. Cox shakily pressed the print button on the screen and waited several minutes for the 31 pages of Hell to print.

_How did Newbie keep this to himself for all of these years?_

Once his pages were done printing, he snatched them out of the printer and darted from the room.

_It's time for the truth to come out._

--

Slow, haunting music played softly in the bar. It was only 3 o'clock, so Barbara was the only occupant of the entire place. The bartender sat at the end of the bar, pouring several drinks to give to the older woman.

" Why did you even have kids? " Perry asked as he walked up to her, his voice soft and firm.

She didn't even seem taken aback by his presence or the question. " Accidents. Both of them. "

Her words were slow and slurred. Perry took the stool next to her and stared at the row of enpty shot glasses and beer bottles.

" I see that your son didn't get his alcohol preferences from you. " He said sarcastically, the 31 papers still clutched in his hands.

" Whadda mean? " She asked, though her voice lacked all interest.

" He drinks appletinis. "

The two of them remained quiet for a second before Barbara let out a half-hearted laugh. " Kid's more feminine than me. "

Perry gave her a quick look, up and down, and nodded his head. She was right.

" Why did you agree to come up here? " He questioned, his voice lacking all support and understanding. " You obviously don't care that your son is in the hospital. Was this all because of the money? "

Barbara took a long swig from her beer and lit a cigarette. Perry saw a single tear fall down her cheek as she avoided answering the question.

They sat there, silently, as she tried to think of an answer.

" You don't understand me at all. " She choked out.

Perry scoffed at that and motioned toward the bartender. " I understand all too well. "

The woman behind the counter approached him and he ordered a coke.

" How could you possible know anything? " Barbara spat at him. " You don't know me. "

" I know your son. " The doctor sighed. " And I know about this. "

The man pulled the papers out from under the bar and set them in front of his protege's mother.

" You want to tell me that I don't understand? I understand that you let your husband's and boyfriend's beat your son while you watched. I understand that you had to be bribed just to come visit JD in the hospital. Don't tell me that _I_ don't understand, lady. I know your son a lot better than you ever have. "

Barbara stared at the papers, her jaw clenched as she read the details of each report.

" You-you don't understand what it's like to have kids...it's hard. " She studdered, trying to justify what both of them knew was unjustifiable.

" I have two children of my own. I know how hard it is. " Perry took a swig of the coke and swished it around in his mouth. He grimaced. It was much to sweet for his liking. " I'd never, EVER let anybody hurt my kids. "

" I...I..."

Perry tsked and threw a five on the bar. " You're lucky that your shitty parenting tactics didn't rub off on your son. Your grandson is a lot more fortunate in the family department then JD was. "

Barbara looked up from her drink, her cold eyes teary. " Grandson? I...I thought Dan was kidding... "

" He wasn't. Surprise. " Perry stated plainly as he rose from the stool. He offered her one last scowl before grabbing the papers up off of the bar and leaving her alone with her misery.

--

Dan sat in the cafeteria, a coffee and doughnut clutched in his shaking hands. Why was everything falling apart?

The room was bustling with visitors to the hospital. Dan studied some of them as they walked by, wondering who they were visiting and why.

Some people were crying. Others were more calm and stoic. A group of people in the corner were crying and hugging each other.

_I don't want that to me, hugging all of Johnny's friends when he finally loses it and jumps off of a building. _

The thought was scary. Would JD get that desperate? Could such a seemingly, happy-go-lucky person ever take his own life?

He honestly didn't know. And that's what scared Dan the most.

He took a long sip from the watery coffee in his hand. He'd been clutching the doughnut too hard and it was crumbling from the intense grip.

Elliot sat at a nearby table, completely oblivious to his ex-boyfriend at the near table.

" Elliot? " Dan asked, though he knew exactly who it was, even with her newly colored hair and growing baby belly.

" D-Dan? " She whispered, clearly shocked by the man.

Dan nodded his head and motioned to the seat across from him. He saw Elliot hesistate and look around for some kind of escape.

" I'm married, Dan. " She answered, apprehensively.

" I'd hope so, what with that bun in the oven. " Dan answered kindly and pushed the chair out with his leg. " I just want to talk about Johnny. "

Elliot nodded and moved her tray to Dan's table. " What's going on? "

" I don't know. Something's wrong with my brother. "

Elliot's face paled a bit and she took a small bite of her salad. " What? "

" I don't know. I thought he might have said something to you about it. "

She shook her head. " We don't talk much anymore. Is he even here today? "

Dan looked taken aback by the question and raised an eyebrow at her. " You haven't heard? "

" Heard what? " She asked, dumbly.

" Johnny fell in the shower. " He tried not to laugh at the sentence. " His tailbone is brokenm in three places. "

Elliot dropped her fork and stared at Dan. " Are you serious? "

" Yep. "

Elliot started crying.

" Why are you crying? It'll heal. " Dan put a hand on her shoulder and rubbed it comfortingly.

" I don't know. It's the hormones. " She choked out.

Dan laughed and decided against telling her the rest of JD's problems. She obviously wasn't emotionally stable enough to know about his mental condition.

" Do you want to go see him? " Dan asked.

" No. " She answered firmly before finishing off her salad and throwing it in the garbage." I can't handle that. "

" But- "

" No 'buts', Dan. I just can't. " She stood up and left him sitting there, alone and confused.

--

The bed hurt his back and the sun glared through the window. He was even more miserable than before.

Nobody had come into his room for over an hour. JD couldn't help but wonder where Dr. Cox and Dan were.

He knew his mother was at the bar, there was no question about that. But Dan and Dr. Cox should have come back by now. What were they doing?

He heard the door open a crack and stiffened up.

" Hey, Little Brother. "

JD nodded at his brother and continued to stare out the window. He didn't want to talk, he just wanted the company. Being alone all of the time didn't make him feel any better. Then again, being around people didn't make him feel any less lonely.

" Will you please talk to me? " Dan begged. " I need to know that you're going to be okay."

_But I don't know if I'm going to be okay. It feels like I'm never going to be okay again._

" It's okay, Dan. I'll be fine. " He said, his voice lacking any sincerity.

" I don't believe you. Why aren't you eating? " The oldest brother sounded close to breaking.

" I'm just not hungry. "

" Why not? You're going to die if you don't eat. " Dan rubbed his temples with his fingertips and sighed.

" Maybe...maybe that's what I want. "

Dan stared at JD, completely shocked.

" Why would you want that? " He sniffed, his eyes welling up with tears. " You have a son. Why wouldn't you want to live? "

JD clenched his jaw and stared at a bird perched on his windowsill. It was such a simple creature, such an uncaring specimen. JD felt himself wishing his life could be as easy as that of a bird. Such a thought would strike up a daydream in the old JD. But he wasn't the old JD. He was the new, unhappy JD. And he felt like that was never going to change.

" Johnny! Why wouldn't you want to live? "

JD glanced at his brother. He was done lying and saying that he was fine. It wasn't like they could do anything about it.

" I just don't. "

" There has to be a reason. " Dan's voice was small and scared.

JD closed his eyes and laid back on the pillow. He was done trying to explain, trying to sugarcoat his pain so that everybody else would feel okay.

" Johnny! "

His mind slipped away from reality, and JD off into a comfortable numbness.

It was the only thing keeping him sane.

**Well? That was a pretty long chapter, so I'd better get some reviews. I worked my hiney off!**

**I got my " My Innocent Bystander " inspiration back! YAY!**

**HAZEL**


	10. Beauty Beneath

**Okay, Chapter 10 here! I'm not sure how many chapters this story is going to have, but it's definitely going to be more than 20. So...YAY?**

**HAZEL**

The second Perry walked in the room, he could feel that something was going on. JD's eyes were closed and Dan was pacing the floor like a madman.

" What's going on here? " The doctor asked.

" Johnny says that he doesn't want to be alive anymore. " Dan whispered.

Perry looked at his young protege and raised an eyebrow. " He said that? "

" Yeah. He didn't even say why. "

Dr. Cox walked over to the younger doctor and put a hand on his forehead.

" What are you doing? "

" Checking for a fever. "

Dan lifted an eyebrow.

" Sometimes people say things that they don't mean when they have a fever. But your brother feels cold if anything. " Perry opened up a nearby kit and pulled out a thermometer. " I'm going to make sure that his temperature isn't dropping. We'll have a serious problem if it is. "

" Why would it be dropping? "

" Malnourishment. " He stuck the stick underneath JD's tongue and smack him lightly on the face. " Wake up, princess. "

JD stirred in the bed and spit the stick out of his mouth.

Perry growled and stuck it back in. He knew that he should probably start being more sensitive to his collegue, but the whole situation was really starting to irritate him.

" I need your temperature. Shut up and let me get it. " He snapped.

JD rolled his eyes.

" What's in your hand? " Dan asked Perry. He pointed to the stack of papers suspiciously.

Perry pushed the stack into Dan's hands. " Figure it out yourself. "

Dan skimmed through the papers, his eyes wide and shock evident on his face. He was silent for a few minutes before finally speaking up.

" I...I knew that it was bad sometimes...but..."

" Maybe you should have paid more attention. " Dr. Cox pointed out as he pulled the thermometer out of JD's mouth. " 97.1. Dammit, Newbie. "

JD looked down, shamefully and wrapped the blanket tighter around him.

" J-Johnny? "

JD stared up at his brother, confused, and tried to decipher what the stack of papers were.

" Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me that it was so bad? " Dan cried out, his heart pounding faster as each second went by. " How could you live like that? "

" Huh? " JD reached for the papers and felt a stabbing pain.

Dan dropped the stack of papers in JD's lap. He looked frantically at his brother's mentor before walking out the room, noticeably upset.

JD carefully picked the papers up and straightened them out before reading the top one.

_Age 13, broken arm, sprained ankle. Suspected sexual abuse._

He swallowed back the bile that rose in his throat.

_Dr. Cox wasn't supposed to know about this stuff. Nobody was supposed to know._

" What do you have to say there, Newbie? " Dr. Cox asked gently, trying not to startle JD too much.

" Why did you do this? " JD muttered, barely above a whisper. " Why the Hell did you have to dig this up? "

" I needed to know. " He stated simply, his eyes digging into JD's panicked blues.

" Nobody needs to know this. Nobody else can know. "

Dr. Cox nodded before snatching the papers out of JD's hands. " Fair enough. But you need help, Newbie. "

" It's been years, Perry. I'm fine now. "

" I don't believe that. If you're fine, then why did you tell your brother that you don't want to be alive anymore. "

JD rolled his eyes. " I was just trying to ruffle his feathers. I figure that the more worked up I got him, the sooner he'd get Mom and leave. He doesn't know how to deal with bad situations. He always runs away. "

Dr. Cox grunted at his last comment. The things JD was saying about Dan made a lot of sense. But knowing JD as well as he did, Dr. Cox knew that he wouldn't have said something as serious and potentially suicidal if he didn't mean it.

" I don't buy it, Newbie. "

" I don't know how to convince you. "

" If you're happy then smile, Newbie. Smile like you mean it. "

JD scoffed and shrugged. " No problem. "

He turned the corners of his mouth up slightly, but not drastically. It wasn't a smile that anybody would believe to be true. The look was forced and almost painful.

" Still not buying it, Newbie. " He said. " And I don't blame you for being messed up from all of this. "

" I'm not messed up! I'm fine, Perry! " JD exclaimed, worried tears flooding from his eyes. He needed his mentor to drop it. " I spent so long putting all of that behind me. Why are you trying to hurt me? "

Perry's mouth dropped. " You think I'm trying to hurt you?! I'm trying to help you! "

" It's not working. " JD sniffled. " I need you to just leave me alone. "

Dr. Cox shook his head, disappointed, and walked toward the door. " You can't pretend that you're fine forever. "

" I know. But I can for a little while. " JD's timid words bounced off of the wall and Perry clenched his jaw to keep from saying something he'd regret.

" You're going to do what you want, no matter what I say? "

" It's what you'd do. "

The older doctor was startled by the statement, but his protege had a point.

" Yeah. "

He walked out of the room and leaned up against the wall in the hallway, his hands on top of his head in a way that said, " I'm thinking about something that upsets me."

And he was. All those years with JD and he was just learning about such a troubled past. It was no wonder that JD was usually so clingy and touchy. He just wanted to know that somebody loved him. Hugs were like the ultimate test to JD. They proved that the person genuinly cared about him.

It was a test that Perry had failed, of course.

How could Dr. Cox possible help JD with such deep, emotional problems when the younger thought his mentor hated him? In fact, with all of his friends being so selfish and his family being...well, his family, who was JD supposed to confide in?

_No wonder Newbie is so depressed. He's all alone._

--

JD felt empty tears wash down his face as soon as he was alone again. It all just seemed so hopeless.

He didn't know exactly how long it would take for his tailbone to heal. Even then, it'd be hard to move. It's too difficult to do a doctor's job when you have such an extensive injury.

_Doesn't really matter...I might just quit. I have enough in the bank to survive until...until I don't want to survive anymore._

He had to wonder how long it would be until he completely hit rock bottom. It didn't seem that far-fetched from the way he was currently feeling.

_Dr. Cox is actually trying, and I pushed him away. Why the Hell did I do that? He's the only one who has made an effort. _

He stared out his window again. The beauty of nature, no matter how corrupted by society, was still beautiful. There were so many beautiful things hidden beneath all of the ugliness.

He wondered if there was still beauty behind all of his pain. If so, he didn't think he had the energy to find it.

**How are you liking it. I know it kind of slow going, but I'm going to start speeding things up so that I can get on to the main part of the story. I'm trying to decide if I want JD's mom to play a big part in the story, or if I just want to use her to establish JD's past, then get rid of her. LOL**

**What do you think?**

**By the way, thanks a bundle of all of the lovely reviews. I know I haven't been replying, so I'm really sorry. I've just been trying to write the story.**

**If you want, leave bom chicka wah wah if it was good and a boo if it sucked!**

**Hazel**


	11. Wanting to Forget

**This is going to have some disturbing memories and such in it. I'm sorry if that bothers anybody. That is my warning. This chapter is a tiny one, FYI**

**HAZEL**

She stared at his door for awhile. People came and went through the hallway, but none were there to see her son. It'd been hours since he had a visitor.

Despite being chastised by the boy's mentor, she couldn't bring herself to go into the room. What could she possibly say that would undo the past?

Barbara knew that she hadn't been a good mother. Perry's words weren't any that she hadn't heard before from police, relatives and old friends who'd since drifted away from the unstable woman. She wasn't the kind of mother that even deserved a mention.

It wasn't that she hated her children. She didn't.

Though she didn't love them either. Her heart had hardened, and she didn't think she was capable of love anymore. Not after all those years of being threatened and intimidated by boyfriends.

She had to make a choice when her kids were growing up. It was between their well being and her own. She choose the more selfish route.

A part of her justified the whole thing by saying that JD and Dan could protect themselves. Dan could easily guard himself from the drunks. But JD? Barbara knew that JD was doomed from the start. He was small and twiggy, and lacked any upper body strength.

She'd never forget the first time she walked in on one of the attacks. The man was laying on top of JD, one hand on the boy's neck and the other one unbuttoning his own jeans. Barbara was shocked. She then did the most despicable thing that she ever could have done. She left the room and went into the kitchen, pulling a bottle of vodka out of the cupboard and hoping to drink away the things that she'd seen.

That would not be the last instance that she walked in on one of her boyfriends attacking him. Not once did she speak up about it.

After the attacks, Dan would find him and take him over to the hospital. The two of them never got along, but Dan still loved his little brother. So, he'd load him up into the car and drive him over to the County Hospital. The first couple of times that he'd been checked in, Barbara would force herself to go see him. It was more for her own image than her son's health. She wanted people to think that she cared. But after awhile, she stopped letting other people's opinions matter. She didn't visit him again after that, just waited for the police to drop by and question her about what happened to her poor son.

For some reason, the police never kept him in their custody. Barbara always wished that they had. Maybe she wouldn't have to feel so guilty if the police had protected him.

She guessed that they had just been waiting for him to do the thing that all of the other trailer kids did when life got bad- run away.

He never did leave, though. It wasn't because he loved his family. And it wasn't because he was happy. It was because he wanted to be a doctor. He'd simply needed his high school education.

Young JD knew that he'd never have to go back into the home after he graduated.

After all of the pain and suffering, he'd made his own way through college and med school and a name for himself as a doctor.

Barbara was so proud of her youngest, but she'd never say it.

She was sorry too, but she wouldn't say that either.

She was too cowardly to say that she'd messed up and that she wanted to know her son and grandson.

Her heart really was hardened.

With one last glance at a very broken JD, she walked through the front doors of the hospital and out of his life for good. At least she hoped.

**This chapter had a purpose, I promise. And by the way, thanks to everybody for the reviews in chapter 10! Next chapter, I'm going to try to reply to all the reviews for this chapter. I'll put them in the next chapter, so review this one if you want a reply! Thanks!! I abided by the wishes of some people and canned the mom. HA!**

**HAZEL**

**PS Woot woot?**


	12. A Familiar Voice

Dan left without another word to JD or Dr. Cox. The Irish doctor tried to make contact with him, but got the machine each time. JD's emotional state was worse than ever, and he all together stopped speaking to people.

It's not like he had many people to talk to anyway. None of his friends came to visit him after his family left. The only person in the room with him at any time was his emotionally crippled mentor, who tried his best to be gentle, but was to no avail.

And when JD checked out? That same emotionally crippled mentor drove him home, restocked his fridge, safe-proofed his shower, lowered his mattress and paid his stack of bills.

It was early morning, before Perry's shift started. He stopped by JD's apartment, as he'd done for the past week and made sure that his protege was eating.

" Newbie, I'm here. "

JD barely acknowledged his mentor. He sat quietly in front of the TV. It wasn't on, but he stared intently, as if it held the secrets of the world.

" How're you feeling today? " Perry asked, sounding more like an inquisitive doctor than a friend.

_Newbie knows that I care. I don't actually have to act like it._

JD shrugged. It wasn't a question that he needed to answer. Dr. Cox knew how he felt and it scared the Hell out of him.

" Did you eat yet this morning? "

JD shook his head. Eating wasn't a priority for him. It was a chore that Dr. Cox made him do whenever he visited. Despite his mentor forcing him to eat, JD was losing weight quickly. He was at least 20 pounds lighter than he had been a month ago. Dr. Cox was concerned.

" I'll make toast. "

JD's eyes drooped dreadfully and he leaned his head back against the couch. It was as if he was completely helpless. Even if he wasn't injured, JD didn't think he would have the energy to do any physical activity. Getting up to use the bathroom was a struggle. All he really wanted to do was go to sleep and never have to wake up again.

Dr. Cox walked into JD's kitchen area and watched JD from the corner of his eye. Each day the younger man became more and more removed from the rest of the world. Nothing that his mentor said was fixing it. He pressed his collegues into visited JD, but they always had some kind of lame ass excuse to why they couldn't.

Perry knew that he couldn't force them to see JD. He knew that he couldn't force JD to be happy. And that pissed him off more than anything because he was so used to always getting his way, always getting people to do what he wanted.

He buttered the freshly popped toast and tossed it on a plate before pouring a glass of orange juice. He was fully aware that the juice would probably upset JD's stomach when it mixed with his meds, forcing him to get up and go to the bathroom. It was all a part of his plan to force him out of the slump. At least being on the toilet would getting him moving.

He brought the plate back to JD and set it down on the table in front of him. Perry grabbed the remote and pressed the power button. _Judge Dredd_ was on.

Dr. Cox didn't grasp the significance of the show. He had no idea that JD and Turk used to watch it together every night, before Turk was too busy to even talk to his friend.

" Turn it off. " JD whispered. Dr. Cox looked apprehensively at the younger man and raised an eyebrow. He rarely heard the other man speak, let alone demand things from him. He obliged with the request and changed the television to the _Animal Plant._

" You want to talk about this, Newbie? Why you freaked out about the show? " Dr. Cox asked, his voice filled with morbid curiousity.

" Not even a little bit. " JD muttered.

" Alright. I'll see you at lunch. " Perry stood up from his seat on the couch and walked toward the door. " I'll know if you didn't eat the toast, Newbie. Don't make me force feed you later. "

He opened the door and shut it quietly behind him, leaving JD alone for the time being.

--

He'd fallen into a fitful sleep on the couch after flushing most of his orange juice and toast down the toilet. He ripped off a small piece of the toast and set it on the plate, making it appear that he'd eaten most of the food. In reality, his stomach remained as empty as it had been in the early morning.

The phone rang and jolted JD out of the restless sleep. He sleepily grabbed the receiver and prayed to God that it wasn't his brother.

" Hey, JD. "

The familiar voice completely awakened him and his heartrate jumped. He knew that voice like the back of his hand.

" Hey."


	13. Making Decisions

" Hey, Kim. "

" How've you been, JD? " His ex-girlfriend asked.

He contemplated the question for moment before settling on the least incriminating answer, " I'm alright. How're you? "

" I'm great. Listen, Sammy wants to tell you something. "

JD grinned wildly and cradled the phone against his ear. It was phone calls like this that helped him through each day. Just hearing his son's voice and knowing that he was Sam's dad, and nobody could take that away, gave him a purpose in life.

" Daddy! "

JD sniffled at the voice. His son could almost speak well enough for people to understand.

" Hey, buddy! What's new, Sam? "

For a moment, JD actually saw a hope for the future. He was a dad. He was somebody to someone. It made him feel like life may actually be worth living.

" Mommy's getting mawwied! "

His heart stopped beating and he had to struggle not to drop the phone out of his hand.

" What... " He whimpered. Sam was getting a new dad.

" Can you believe it, JD? I'm getting married! "

JD pressed the 'off' button on his phone and ripped the battery out.

This couldn't be happening. He was Sam's dad. He had to have that label. It kept him going.

If Sam got a new dad...what would JD be good for? All he would be is a child support check in the mail once a month.

And while he was hurt, he wasn't going to be making much money. Sammy wasn't going to benefit from him at all.

Unless the boy got Social Security, that is. If JD was gone, at least he'd be of some help to his boy.

_What's keeping me here? Nothing. There is no reason for me to be here. _

He felt warm tears on his face. He'd cried more in the past few weeks than ever before in his life.

He felt empty. And it wasn't because he hadn't eaten. His entire body was empty, but still heavy. Every aspect of living seemed too difficult.

He couldn't take it. His thoughts raced and his heart ached. JD needed to do something drastic.

--

Perry had absolutely no idea what was going on when he walked into JD's apartment. The man was vacuuming the apartment from the wheelchair that they'd borrowed from the hospital. He actually appeared to be happy.

Dr. Cox set take-out on the table and waited for JD to finish his cleaning.

" What's going on, Newbie? You feeling better? "

JD nodded. And it was the truth. He was feeling better, because he knew that peace was near. He made up his mind and it was almost over.

**Things are progressing. Yay. **

**~HAZEL~**


	14. My Innocent Bystander

**I feel like this needs to be firmly stated, so that nobody will misunderstand.**

**1. I know that the story is progressing slowly. That is kinda the point. So, to the reviewer who said, " This story is freakishly slow, wtf? " It's supposed to be, thank you very much.**

**2. NOT SLASH! NOT SLASH! I promise!**

**On to the story. By the way, the little sections in italics and bold are the lyrics on which I based this fic. It is called " My Innocent Bystander " The song will be spread out in the next few chapters.**

**Hope you enjoy! And thanks a bundle to all of the people who reviewed. I couldn't reply to most of them, because my mother gives me limited time on the internet. =( But thanks in bulk. =)**

Perry stayed through lunch and for about 20 minutes after. JD's cheery mood seemed a little bit suspect, but Perry let it pass. It was good to see the other man looking lively for a change.

As he snatched his coat up and headed for the door, he felt a brand new optimism for his co-worker. JD's life seemed to be taking a turn for the better.

" I'll drop by around seven with dinner. Okay? "

JD stared at Perry from his chair, with a strange kind of adoration in his eyes. He was the only one who knew that it would be the last time he spoke to his idol. He planned on making the most of that moment.

" Newbie? You still here? " The older doctor looked both amused and concerned. From his point of view, it looked like JD was having a daydream. In Perry's eyes, that was a huge step toward recovery. He had no idea that JD was trying to savor his last words with his mentor.

" See you. " JD smiled genuinely. " And thanks for everything you've done. I appreciate it. "

Dr. Cox raised a brow at JD and nodded. " It's alright, Newbie. I'll see you. "

With that, he was gone from the apartment and JD was alone to let a few silent tears fall.

--

Everything was meticulously planned out. His will written and everything signed over to his son. A timed email would be going out at exactly 7pm that night, alerting several of his friends to his motives and the whereabouts of his body. The only reason he included his location was so they wouldn't have to search. He honestly didn't want to make things worse. By the time anybody would find him, he'd be long gone and on to whatever afterlife or reincarnation or nothingness that existed after death.

During all of the times that he'd contemplated suicide, he'd always expected everything to be panicked and irrational. It didn't seem possible that he'd be so calm and focused, completely content on what he was doing.

But he was. He was 100% happy with his decision. Having finally come to the conclusion that the world would be better off without him, JD was just happy to see the end in sight.

His charade of a life was tiring him out.

As he wrote out his suicide note, the one that would go out to Perry, Elliot and Turk at exactly 7o'clock, he wondered what their reactions would be. Would they cry? Would they even care at all? JD thoughts that Perry might care, or he might just be really pissed. He wasn't too sure about the others. They didn't act like they cared when he was alive. Why would they care when he died?

He grabbed the phone off of his coffee table and dialed the number of the nearest, handicap-accessible, transporatation service in the area. After making arrangements for a taxi to pick him up, he grabbed a bag of needed supplies and looked at the clock once more before wheeling out, never to look back.

_5o'clock. 2 hours left until it's all over._

--

_5:45_

_**I'm lost**_

_**In a sea of my misery**_

_**I'm drowing**_

_**Please don't save me**_

_**I'm stranded**_

_**On an isle all my own**_

_**I'd rather be dying alone**_

_**Then have to go back home**_

It was a beautiful lake, sun rays bouncing off of the water and reflecting orange all around him.

_Perfect place to die, _he thought,_ so beautiful..._

He sat in his wheelchair at water's edge, his bare toes swinging freely in the cold liquid. The bottle of sleeping pills was clutched tightly in his right palm, his white fingers grasped it like it was a sort of lifeline.

The plan was to take the entire bottle and just wait until he drifted off. After that, JD didn't know what would happen to him, if anything.

He didn't really care.

He sat on the beach for awhile, staring at the tall trees that shot up behind the water. It was still his favorite thing to do. To stare up at the beauty of nature while contemplating his life.

And his death.

He'd taken care of all the details. Everything that he had left to his name would go to his son. He'd written several letters addressed to Sammy, to be given to the boy on his 13th and 18th birthdays, telling his that Dad still loved him, and to be good to his mom and step-dad. All of the money left in his bank account and all of his possessions belonged to Sam Dorian.

JD peered at his watch for a final time before taking it off.

_6:36_

He thought it strange that he'd been at the lake for almost an hour, just thinking and mentally preparing himself for the task at hand.

In 24 minutes, his co-workers would be seeing the email he'd sent out. They probably wouldn't happen to be online at the exact moment of the letter's arrival, but he knew that one of them would probably see it that night. If not, Perry would most likely be worried when he went to bring JD food, and his protege was missing.

The thought sent a twinge of guilt through him. Perry didn't deserve it.

Then again, JD didn't deserve all of the pain he felt. Yet he still had to live with it for so long.

_Not anymore. _

Despite all of Perry's efforts to help, JD was too far gone. There was no fixing him, and it killed him that he dragged him mentor into his problems.

_**I struck my own spark**_

_**And I hold my own flame**_

_**You may be watching me burn**_

_**But I'm the only one to blame**_

JD was fully aware that the older man would feel partially responsible. It didn't matter anymore. He was done considering everybody else's responsibility, everybody else's woes. It was time for JD to make a decision for himself. And he would make the most permanent, potentially crushing decision that he could ever make.

But if he lived...

He didn't want to think about that. JD knew that there was a slight chance that somebody could read that email and find him in time. There was a chance that somebody could save him.

The thought made his stomach lurch, and everything he'd ingested threatened to come up.

It would be too humiliting. He couldn't imagine life after a suicide attempt. He wouldn't.

With that thought in mind, he opened the pill bottle and started to swallow the pills, two by two.

It occured to him that he was taking a page out of Elliot's book. He hadn't forgotten the night that she'd told them about her attempted suicide.

She'd went into detail about how she took a few sleeping pills and went out into a lake. Her mistake was that she didn't take enough pills, and some of her classmates pulled her into their boat and saved her life. He didn't plan on going into the water, but he was going to die staring out into a beautiful, lakeside sunset.

In a few minutes, he had the bottle emptied and all of the pills rested in his stomach.

He could help but wonder what awaited him after all of this was over. Heaven? Hell? Reincarnation? He'd never had faith in any sort of ' higher power'. He had no idea what to expect.

_7:05_

--

The baby kicked fitfully in her stomach, making it hard for Elliot to rest. She found herself at a loss, having nothing to do while she waited for her baby to calm down.

Elliot sighed with frusteration before flipping open her laptop and signing onto AOL. It'd been weeks since she checked, but she had nothing else to do and was curious to who might have messaged her.

Her eyes scanned down the list quickly, her finger clicking the 'delete' button for all of the junk.

_Vanillabear30, Subject: I'm sorry._

Elliot's poorly circulated fingers instinctively pressed ' delete'

" Frick! "

As quickly as she could, she went to her recently deleated folder and opened the letter that would permanently change her life.

_I'm sorry that it has to be this way. I never wanted to hurt anybody, but that seems like the only thing I am capable of anymore. I can't keep on living this way. I know that you won't understand. And you shouldn't. To understand would mean that you have felt this way before and I would never wish this pain on anybody. By the time you get this, I'll be gone. I'm sorry, Dr. Cox. I know that you wanted to help. Elliot and Turk, I'm sorry that we aren't close anymore. I still love you guys. I'll be up at our favorite picnic spot at the lake, in case you need to find me. Just remember that this was the way it was meant to be. Don't beat yourselves up. I love you._

_JD_

" Oh my God. " She whispered, hands shaking violently as she grabbed her cell phone out of her pocket.

_Speed dial 9...come on!_

Her thoughts were extremely jumbled and panicked.

Was JD really going to kill himself? Why? Why would he do that? What happened?

" What? " The older doctor asked, having not recognized the number.

" JD's going to kill himself. He might have done it already...I-I-I got an email from him. He's at Barnes Lake. " Elliot felt like the words were scratching at her throat, resisting escape.

" Shit. " Was all Perry said before hanging up the phone and sprinting out of Sacred Heart.

--

_7:40_

His driving was determined and reckless, he had to swerve to avoid hitting several cars and people.

Perry had no clue how JD was trying to kill himself. He assumed that JD would drown himself, and if that were the case, then it was probably too late for him anyway.

He could also shoot himself, or slit his wrists at the lake.

JD could have committed any number of irreversible horrors.

--

_8:00_

His gut clenched as he reached the small beach, realizing that he hadn't phoned for any emergency vehicals or police officers. It didn't matter anymore.

Dreading what he'd find, Perry nearly hesitated while getting out of the car.

_I don't think I can do this. _A little voice in his head whispered to him. _I can't deal with this. _

He forced his legs to function. For JD.

A dark figure on the beach caught his attention, and Perry felt his leg muscles shake uncontrollably as he sprinted toward the black shape.

_Please be okay. Please..._

_**Wrong place**_

_**Wrong time**_

_**Wrong person to have read the signs**_

_**I hope**_

_**It'll seem like just a blur**_

_**I never meant to drag you down with me**_

_**My innocent bystander**_


	15. Dead or Alive?

When he reached the unmoving form, Dr. Cox fell to his knees beside the wheelchair and lifted JD's chin frantically, with his shaking hands. His eyes scanned the young man, up and down, his mind moving much to quickly for his own good.

The empty pill bottle caught his eye as JD glanced up, pitifully.

" It didn't work... " He whispered, desperate tears sliding down his cheeks. " Why? " JD choked on his words and Perry felt his own tired eyes watering. A muffled sob escaped the young doctor's throat. " I just..just want it to be over. "

Perry leaned down and picked the bottle up. He wiped wet sand off the plastic and turned it in the palm of his shaking hand. " Placebo's. I replaced all of your pills. " He managed out. " I was...being extra cautious. "

JD shook his head. " I can't...I..." All of the muscles in his body went limp as he slumped down into the chair. " Everything hurts so bad. "

Perry knew the feeling. They'd both had sorted pasts, troubled childhoods. Those kinds of things never leave you. JD felt like he was alone in the world.

" This isn't the answer, JD. " Dr. Cox felt the familiar panic arise in him again. He didn't know how to convince JD that life was worth living. In the distance, he heard the sirens of emergency vehicles. Elliot must have called 911 after they'd hung up.

" How do you know what the answer is? "

Perry had no reply. He didn't know how to help JD.

He had no clue.

**It's not your job**

**To save me from the brink**

**I'm sorry**

**That you're watching me sink**

**But I'm unreachable**

**On a cloud of my demise**

**You're the only one who could see past my disguise**

As the sirens grew louder in his ears, JD tensed in his chair. He knew that the next few weeks would consist of suicide watch, psych appointments, people pretending to give a crap.

It was all impendingly uncomfortable and awkward.

" I can't believe you'd do something like this. " Perry's voice held a growing tint of anger. He swallowed hard and rubbed his sandy hands on his work pants. " What pushed you over the edge, Newbie? You were fine this morning! What the Hell happened? " He tried not to yell, but his thoughts were running wild.

" Kim's getting married. "

And suddenly, he understood his protege's motives so much more than he previously had.

" Th-There are other ways. "

JD scoffed. " Yeah, like what? "

The ambulance parked next to them on the beach and several EMT's rushed out. Perry rose from the ground and stepped back.

" Like what, Dr. Cox? What are these ways? "

Perry folded his arms across his chest. " You could have talked to me about it. " His voice was confused.

" No, I really couldn't. "

**I sunk my own ship**

**Now I float above the sharks**

**You may have noticed the change**

**But you couldn't peer into my heart**

**Wrong place**

**Wrong time**

**Wrong person**

**To have read the signs**

**I hope **

**It will seem like just a blur**

**I never meant to drag you down with me**

**My innocent bystander**

As the emergency workers loaded JD into the ambulance, he stared at Perry with a sorted admiration. He idolized the man for his ability to keep it together because JD couldn't accomplish even that much.

" Take him to Sacred Heart. " Perry instructed. " ICU is unnecessary. Take him to the Psych Ward. "

JD stared up from his gurney and felt several tears pour down his face. He'd been hoping that his mentor would ride the ambulance with him.

" Do we need to pump his stomach? "

" No, the pills were Placebo's. He didn't know that when he took them. Take him to Psych. " Dr. Cox turned away and started toward his car." My shift at Sacred Heart is over, Newbie. It's my weekend. I'll...I'll see you in three days." The older doctor walked to his car, refusing to look back one final time at his young protege.

He felt such overwhelming guilt. After the ambulance was gone, he just sat at the wheel, paralyzed for ten minutes. His normally calm disposition threatened to collapse and render him unable to drive.

He honestly couldn't comprehend what had just happened.

**Don't try to blame yourself**

**It wasn't your place**

**It didn't matter what you said**

**I was gone either way**

**Don't feel guilty**

**You're still innocent to me**

Perry wondered if there was something he could have said to JD. He had been at the younger man's apartment earlier in the day. There must have been something he could have done.

Then again, JD had appeared extra cheery that morning. It had set Perry's mind at ease for the day. Though looking back, that in it's self should have been the biggest warning of the impending suicide attempt. JD's sudden revival should have raised Perry's suspicions.

It was when he made that realization, that he fully started blaming himself for his protege's actions.

**Wrong day**

**Wrong words**

**Wrong me**

**The pain it just gets worse**

**I hope**

**It will seem like just a dream**

**I never meant to drag you down with me**

**Wrong place**

**Wrong time**

**Wrong person**

**To have read the signs**

**I hope**

**It will seem like just a blur**

**I never meant to drag you down with me**

**My innocent bystander**

The ride to the hospital was grim. JD awaited his unhappy future with tears in his eyes and an unwillingness to cooperate with the E.M.T's. The entire ride, he couldn't help but thinking about how everything was his fault. He knew that it was, in no way, his mentor's problem.

One man could only take so much. And Perry had treated him like a son since he'd fallen. What more could JD expect?

The man was a god to him. Perry Cox wasn't just his superior or his mentor. He was JD's idol.

But he wasn't a superhero. JD realized that. As his ambulance pulled into Sacred Heart, JD knew that he was going to go it alone for awhile. Dr. Cox wasn't going to hold his hand and encourage him to recover.

He'd done that before, and JD hadn't even thanked him for it.

He was really alone this time.


	16. Moral Support

"I don't understand how it got this bad." Perry whispered to his wife, his voice peppered with utter confusion and fear. "How did I let him get this bad?"

"Well, maybe if his real friends had stepped up and started giving a shit about him, you wouldn't have to pick up the pieces of his life. But they suck, so now you have to make him better. End of story." Jordan instructed him while completing a puzzle with their son and filling out a 'Get Well' card for JD. "This isn't your fault. But now you're going to feel guilty if you don't help him recover. So get your ass off of that couch and go see him."

Perry shook his head and poured himself a second glass of whiskey. "I can't deal with it, Jordan."

Jordan stood up from the puzzle and walked over to Perry. She opened her mouth to yell at him, to pressure him to go see J.D, and to belittle him until he was so irritated that he couldn't help but leave. As soon as she saw the look on his face, however, she resorted to being supportive and sat gently on his lap. "I know this must be hard for you, Perry. I can't imagine. But he needs you now. Someone has to convince him that life is worth living. You can't stay here for the next three days, and expect to go back to work and ignore him. This isn't your fault. But you need to help him. Go. We'll still be here when you get back."

Perry sighed with defeat and took a long swig of whiskey. "I need to be drunk for this."

Busy echoes filled the hall of the Sacred Heart psychiatric ward in front of J.D's room. An I.V hung from the young doctor's arm with the intent of hopefully reversing the starvation that his body had been enduring. A psychiatrist sat idly by his bed, fulfilling his job description and counting the seconds until his shift ended. Several doctors and nurses stood nosily outside of the room, wanting to catch a glimpse of one of their own who'd fallen off the deep end.

"How are you doing, Mr. Dorian?" A nurse asked sweetly as she she fluffed his pillow and adjusted his I.V. Her name badge read 'Lily' and she was unrecognizable to J.D,"Let me know if you need anything for your back. They are going to try limiting your painpills because of what happened, but if the pain gets too severe, I'll help you out." She winked at him and smiled before leaving the room. Only J.D and the psychiatrist, Dr. Verfreden, remained in the room.

"Dr. Dorian, my job is to spend an hour with you a day during your stay here. We are required, by law, to evaluate your mental condition for at least 3 weeks, then make a decision about your ability to care for yourself and function in society. In order for you to get out of here, you must cooperate with me and answer any question I may ask you. Do you understand?"

J.D didn't respond.

"Dr. Dorian, do you understand the conditions of your stay here?"

"I work here. I already know." He whispered in reply and closed his eyes. He was mentally exhausted and just wanted to fall into an eternal sleep. "I'm tired."

"Dr. Dorian-"

"Leave him alone for the day, Greg. He doesn't need this right now." Dr. Cox called out from the door. "He knows the drill. He's tired. We'll see you later."

"Perry, this is my job-"

"I know. And I sign your check. I'm giving you official permission to leave early today. As soon as you visit the rest of your patients, clock out and have a good weekend." Cox waved his hand toward the door and cleared his throat angrily, "Goodnight!"

Dr. Verfreden grabbed his bag from the floor and hurried away from the Chief of Medicine and his protégé. Dr. Cox stood at the foot of J.D's bed, with his arms crossed loosely and his jaw clenched shit. His emotions were churning frantically in his stomach and he felt a weird sensation welling in his face.

"You scared the shit out of me. That letter you sent out… Elliot called me. I'm not one to share my feelings with anybody, Newbie. You know me…" Dr. Cox sat down in the chair next to J.D's bed and slumped defeated in the chair. "I guess what I'm trying to say is… Ugh, I don't know."

Then, the unthinkable happened. A tear fell from the drunk, reddened eyes of Perry Cox. One silent tear washed slowly down his scruff, tired face and dripped onto the stack of papers he held in his hands. He held the stack up and ripped it in half. "These are your files, J.D. These are every single medical incident from your childhood." He ripped the papers again and again until the floor was littered with a thousand little pieces of J.D's childhood and adolescent Hell. "I will never bring these up to you again. These can be in the past. _This_ can be in the past. Your life doesn't end here, Newbie."

Dr. Cox looked up J.D with comforting eyes, expecting some kind of breakthrough in the other man. Expecting even the slightest sign of a realization that life was worth living. Instead, J.D stared back at him blankly and said, "You should have just left me there. "

J.D closed his eyes and moved his face away from Dr. Cox. The older doctor grabbed his protégé's face and pulled it back. "I'm not letting you give up on your life. I don't care how long I have to sit here, J.D. I'm not letting you give up. I know I said I would see you in three days, but you aren't getting rid of me that easily."

J.D's eyes remained closed, but his thoughts failed to cease. _Why did he have to replace the pills? I just want to die… Why did it take this to make him care? How long is it going to take other people to pretend to care too? I hate my life so much. So much… _

"Newbie? J.D, please say something."

J.D's tough façade broke and a fierce sob escaped from his throat. Dr. Cox put an arm around his shoulder and actually comforted the hysterical man.

"I just want to be happy. I don't want to feel like this anymore." He cried, tears cascading down his pale, tired face.

Dr. Cox pulled him into a full hug and let J.D cry on his shoulder. Normally, he would walk away, mock J.D or put him down. This time, Dr. Cox couldn't even let go. Despite the heartless demeanor that Perry seemed to sport on a day-to-day basis, Perry cared about J.D more than he cared to admit. And his suicide attempt scared the older doctor enough to push him into actually showing J.D how much he cared.

"I promise you, I'm going to get you through this."


	17. Light At The End?

"Newbie?" Perry knocked on the door of his protégé's room and pushed the door open, softly. "Newbie, I brought back some stuff." He tossed a bag on J.D's lap and stared at him quizzically. "Why do you look so annoyed? Thought you got rid of me?"

J.D scoffed and ignored the bag on his lap. Perry had noticed that his attitude had taken a turn for the worse. He didn't seem empty anymore; he seemed pissed off and violent. Perry sat down in the chair next to J.D's bed and grabbed the bag. "Please don't make me regret helping you, Yolinda. Please?" J.D's eyes shot over to him, and he gave him mentor a cold, deadly stare. Perry had hoped that the previous night had been a breakthrough. He's hoped that J.D saw just how much he wanted to help him recover, to help him regain his happiness and to live again. Unfortunately, the older doctor saw that this wasn't the case at all.

"I don't remember asking for your fucking help. But thanks." J.D sneered and lay back harshly in his bed. Perry felt his fists close tightly and his face flush angrily. He couldn't believe that J.D was doing this. What was he trying to prove? Perry closed his eyes and counted to ten. He wasn't going to let himself kill J.D. He wasn't going to yell. He wasn't going to rant and call him girl's name. He would sit calmly and let the other man get it out of his system. Perry forced himself to remember that J.D was no longer, his newbie, or his colleague, but he was a very sick man who had just attempted suicide. The thought sent uncomfortable shivers up Dr. Cox's spine.

J.D waited. He waited to be called Veronica, to be belittled. He waited nervously for Dr. Cox to rip him a new one, to throw that bag in the garbage and to never come back to his room. He didn't need the pressure of having someone try to keep him alive. He didn't want the burden of the mentor/mentee relationship anymore. He wanted to fake his recovery, go home and then end things his own way. Nobody could convince him that there was life left for him to live.

Perry relaxed and opened up the bag. He wouldn't give up. He wouldn't let J.D forget that he was here. _I need him to live. And I need to show him that._ "I brought you something's to keep you entertained." He pulled a season set of Sanford and Son out of the bag and set it on J.D's lap. He looked up at the other one, hoping for any sort of reaction to this gesture. A brief, very brief flicker of happiness flashed in his eyes, followed by what appeared to be a very solemn memory. Perry mentally slapped himself when he realized that Turk and J.D used to watch the show together often. He remembered the irritating discussions they would have in the cafeteria about it. _Shit. Maybe that wasn't the best idea._

He dumped the rest of the contents onto J.D's lap and sighed. "We need to talk about yesterday, J.D." A tense heat hung in the air as he waited for a reply. "I know you don't want to, but we have to talk about it."

"I tried to kill myself. I don't know what else there is to say." The anger returned to him once more and J.D clenched his blanket in his fist. Perry noticed just how sickly J.D was, with his bony fists, bony arms and overall bony structure. He noted the slight flush that the man's extremely pale skin took on, and the enormous bags that engulfed his under eyelids. "Can't you just leave me alone, like you used to? Please, go back to hating me. I liked it better."

Perry chuckled. After years of trying to win him over, trying to attain a mentor relationship, J.D actually expected Dr. Cox to believe that he preferred being ignored to being cared about. "Fat chance, Shirley. I'm staying here until you skip out of this hellhole with the same, annoying smile that you used to sport all of the gosh darn time. In fact, until I can honestly believe that you feel better, I may follow you around like the annoying little puppy dog that you used to be." Perry moved in closer to J.D and looked him right in the eyes. His voice fell quiet and he stated, very matter-of-factly, "Until you realize just how much I need you in this place, you aren't getting rid of me."

J.D felt his chest rising in his throat. He wanted to cry. He was getting what he'd always wanted from Dr. Cox. He finally got it, and he couldn't even accept it. His mentor had told him that he wasn't going to help him, yet he came back anyways. He's spent hours trying to help J.D adjust to his life in the wheelchair. He'd found J.D when he was hurt. He realized the signs of his depression. He tried to help. He even gave J.D the hug that he'd always wanted (kinda). He was trying so hard and J.D was shoving him away with so much force. A huge piece of J.D told him to keep pushing, to make it easier to end his life and his misery. And another piece told him to accept the help, be grateful and cling to the only lifeline he had.

He looked at the I.V that he was connected to. He stared at his malnourished body and his ghostlike complexion. His fingers bent oddly, like they were just going to break one day, without warning. His head and eyelids always felt heavy. _Why do I feel this way? What's wrong with me? _He glanced at his mentor, whose elbows rested wearily on his knees, his hands cradling his exhausted face.

Push him away or pull him closer. Live or die. The decision was in front of J.D, screaming in his face.

"D-D-Dr. Cox?" J.D stuttered, before he even knew what he was saying.

"Yeah, Newbie." He looked over at J.D apprehensively.

"I can't stop thinking about it."

"Thinking about what?"

"Ending my… life. I just can't stop thinking about it." J.D's voice cracked, despite his desperate effort to maintain composure. "I feel unstable. One second I'm angry, and then I just feel empty." J.D broke into sobs at this point, his body giving in to the exhaustion that had been creeping up for months. "I don't want to feel so needy and helpless. I don't want to feel so alone. But nobody cares. Nobody has ever cared. Everyone who I loved is gone. They're always gone… It hurts so much to be alive... It just hurts too much." J.D shook his head back and forth, weakly and painfully. "I'm so sorry." He sobbed, his whole body heaving and shaking with the power of the sobs. "I'm-so-sorry."

Dr. Cox stared at his broken protégé. He'd never felt such an intense pity before in his life. The terrifying words and the pain that he saw in J.D literally almost broke his heart. He felt his own sob catch in his throat, as he witnessed the complete unraveling of John Dorian. J.D sunk in his bed and writhed in pain, which caused more tears to flow down his sickly face.

"You need something for the pain, Newbie?" Dr. Cox practically whispered, all ferocious manliness drained from his voice. "I'll get ya something." He stood up and felt a weak shakiness in his legs. He was scared out of his mind. How could he help J.D? It was then that he leaned down and pulled the young doctor tightly into a hug.

J.D was caught to off-guard by the hug that he almost thought his mentor was trying to kill him. Granted, he'd received a few things that could be classified as hugs from Perry Cox. But they were sub-categories of hugs. This, however, was a full-blown, affectionate, warm hug. It was fully of caring. _He cares about me. Somebody cares about me._

"I'm gonna get you something for the pain, Newbie. I'll be right back." Dr. Cox left the room quietly and could barely get around the corner before his face fell in defeat.

J.D sighed with a sense of relief. _Maybe it's going to be okay…?_

XXXXXXXXXXXX

After demanding that one of the nurses give J.D a reasonable amount of morphine, Dr. Cox trudged into the cafeteria, searching for coffee and a momentary escape from his racing thoughts. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Turk, Carla and Elliot staring at him. The looks on their faces were those of worry and hysterics.

"Nice of you three to start caring. Newbies in psych for now. He took an entire bottle of pills." He heard Carla and Elliot gasp, and Turk's shake his head painfully. "Luckily, I actually gave a crap about the kid and replaced all of his pills with placebos. You'd think his friends would notice that he was suicidal. But all of you are too damn self-absorbed to put in an effort or care." Perry shook his head and tried to control what was going to come out of his mouth next. Despite the effort, it slipped out. "If I had friends like you, I'd probably want to die too."

He sipped his coffee and tried not to grin at the absolutely horrified looks on their faces.

"He's in room 343. I'll expect each of you to drop by at least once a day until he goes home. If not, expect your workloads to increase ten-fold. See you later." With that, Dr. Cox spun on his heels and headed back to room 343, to play his newfound role as J.D's guardian.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

As Perry approached the door to J.D's room, he heard a female voice inside and peeked his head through the door. Nurse Lily sat on his bed, browsing through his bag of stuff and smiling about something. J.D smiled back brightly and they laughed about something.

_That is the first time I've seen the kid truly smile in weeks…_

Instantly, Perry interrupted the moment with a loud throat cough that startled the both of them. Lily jumped up from the bed and rushed to the doorway. "Dr. Cox. S-s-so sorry, sir. I'll get right back to work. Bye, J.D. I'll stop by later." She flashed him a quick smile and bolted from the room.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down there, killer!" Dr. Cox grabbed the arm of her white coat and pulled her back. "What was that about?"

Lily blushed. "I was just talking to him and cheering him up. I know I'm not supposed to really talk to the psych patients, but…"

Dr. Cox shook his head. "You are going stop by and see him as much as you can. You're going be all smiley and peppy, and annoying. YOU are going to be his friend. Do you understand?"

She looked at him, with heavy confusion in her eyes. Then, she laughed. "Well, I don't need your permission, but thanks anyway!" She practically skipped away to her next patient.

Dr. Cox shook his head and almost laughed. She was so much like his Newbie that it was almost painful to see. Maybe this friendship was just what he needed.

Perry peered back into the room and saw J.D staring out the window. There was almost a smile on his face, but obviously fresh tears running down his cheeks. Perry sighed. Who would have ever thought that the kid that drove him crazy would be the same one who could make him feel so desperate and helpless?


End file.
